12.26.03 8:16pm (written at work, slightly delayed)
It was a perfectly innocent question. I didn't mean to make her tears start again. It was a perfectly innocent question.
She was picking up a roll of film, and looking a little forlorn while looking at them. She asked me, "Is this all of them?" and I assured it was. She was looking for a different roll than the one she dropped off. I get that a lot, actually. It's like everybody has their personal holy grail roll of film, full of pictures they were sure they took, but never quite found again. So this was hers. And I was curious, and I was trying to be friendly, so I asked what were of. And she started to mist up and choke back tears.
"I'm sorry," I said, as soon as I realized I had said something I shouldn't, before she even started to answer my question.
"My husband died in a motorcycle accident," she said. "I'm looking for the roll of film I took the day before he died." There's not much I could say to that. How do you express sympathy to someone who just spent their first Christmas permanantly torn from the person they loved the most? There's no way, there's just no way.
In four days, I walk out of Ritz Camera One Hour Photo, and with any luck I'll never have to return as an employee there. I've seen more pictures of kids' birthday parties and family gatherings than most would think humanly possible, but it's always the tragedy that sticks in my mind. Drug deals, teenagers, bloodshot eyes. A woman hiding her hair for an Iranian passport photo. Best friends, cancer, last photo. Even the death of the soul, painfully shallow people doing painfully shallow things and shooting roll after roll after roll of it (Although often it's their behavior in the store that clues me into their lack of depth). So it's almost over, I'm almost done. I just learned another lesson today, that's all.
12.11.03 1:50pm
Last Christmas season, when I was working for Ritz, as I am now, one of my coworkers was named Noelle. And when it would get quiet in the store and I needed a bit of amusement, I knew I could simply start singing The First Noel and her reaction was more than entertaining. I don't think she ever took it, you know, the wrong way, I was just picking on her a little bit. And being thankful that my name isn't used in any popular songs. (For the record, she also hated the Wheatus song Teenage Dirtbag because it starts out Her name is Noelle, She rings my bell, I've got gym class in heaven etc, etc)
I'm not entirely sure why I remembered this story right as I decided it was time to update my news page. I mean, last year at Christmas, I was glad I was working at Ritz, and I was good terms with my family, but I was very much lonely and friendless and scared. Christmas was my break from the hell that grad school had turned into, and I was glad to have that time to get things figured out. And this year I'm dreading going to work every day, and I'm on shaky terms with my family, and Christmas is the opposite of a break, it's the final test of my mind and my soul before I leave Virginia... but this year I am in love, so lest anyone thinks my life is going all bad, it's actually going really pretty well.
Oh, yeah, did I mention that I'm moving? Again?
This time it's out of love, not because I need to run away. Which is a much better reason.
Well, depending on who you ask. I mean, if you'd asked me three years ago whether or not it's a good idea to move somewhere or alter your life for somebody else, I would have been like "uh, hell no, that's how people screw up the entirety of their lives". I guess I got over it. I like to take risks, right? I live in the moment? Won't back down, will die trying? Yeah, sure, everywhere it doesn't matter, I'm like that. But put my life on the line just for a little thing like my heart? No chance, won't dance.
Until now. It's all worth it. So I'm moving to Texas. Beginning of January. Computer's coming with me. Filing cabinet too. Maybe the sewing machine. Still haven't decided whether or not to take the houseplants. Guess time will tell. About ever
PERSEPHONE: She'll do it. If she has to, she'll kill every one of
us.
She's in love.
MEROVINGIAN:: It is remarkable how similar the
pattern of love is to the
pattern of insanity.
Later edit: It's amazing how prophetic that quote ended up being... but at least I was somewhat aware of how stupid I was being. Oh well, it all ended up for the best.
11.06.03 6:54pm
I was just ordered to update my website to entertain someone. So I am.
My life has actually been really eventful lately... I made a really good selfish decision and have been pretty happy with the results. And halloween rocked, I'll have to put a picture up eventually.... I was a very cute ladybug. I love ladybugs. I always have. It was about time I dressed up like one. Oh, what else. I have a hole in my exhaust system in my car. But I kinda decided not to fix it yet. I'm not sure why. Laziness, perhaps? Oh, and my work has decided to move me to a mall store. Yeah I'm bloody thrilled about that decision. But I might actually make more money so that's kinda a plus.
Wow I'm boring when I'm happy. And I really am quite happy. There was this part of my soul that was starving and now it isn't. So I'm happy. Which makes me kinda boring. Which is why I haven't updated here. Cause why should I want to sit in front of the computer when I have other things I could be doing!?! Seriously. If you're reading this, go outside, and enjoy your life. And don't remind me to update this again.
10.16.03 4:57pm
So I'm at K-Mart, buying apples, and nutmeg, and brown sugar for some apple betty I plan to make. Now I would have just had to buy the nutmeg and the sugar but my plan to go pick myself some apples didn't quite work out, as apples aren't in season in Virginia yet, and nearest place to even pick them is over an hour away, but I went out there anyway, and at least I was able to pick myself some pumpkins so it wasn't a waste of a trip. But I was in K-Mart, about twenty minutes ago, and I'm standing in what they'd call the baking aisle picking out brown sugar. And there's this woman in this perfect pink suit with perfect run-free stockings and perfect taupe shoes (taupe isn't quite as brown as tan, and not as light as beige, you see, so it matches stockings quite well). And she's got perfect makeup and perfect hair as well. And she's looking at something, I'm not quite sure what, because my only real thought is "why isn't she at work today?". But all of a sudden she turns to me and asks:
"Do yellow and red make orange?"
I managed a yes and then scooted out of the aisle as I was afraid I would laugh in her face. I'm kinda glad I helped her with her obviously halloween themed dessert. But at what point do people get so far from their childhood they forget basic lessons like the color wheel? And how does she dress so well without any idea of warm and cool colors? I'm still in a state of shock.
10.12.03 11:25pm
I edited this out because I finally saw what I needed to see to let go.
9.23.03 10:52am
Not really a whole lot to say this morning. I got power back Sunday morning. My whole neighborhood screamed at once. Yesterday I had off from work so I applied for a new job. Then me and Cristin went to Becky's to check on her stuff. Her car is all messed up from water, whoops. Then we made dinner and invited Geraldine and Joe over. They still don't have power yet which is lame, but hopefully it'll come back soon. They're saying 75% of the Hampton Roads area or whatever should have power back by Thursday. What about the other 25%? Yikes. Ok, I'm going to go shower now, and plan my world domination, and put off putting more pictures up *again*. I'm a lazy bum.
9.20.03 6:57pm (delayed entry)
A city without traffic lights is an amazing thing to behold. We all hold to some strange order despite not being told what to do. Well, most of the time. I have not, thus far, been subject or witness to any traffic based destruction. But if the power does not come back soon, I fear I will be.
9.20.03 6:31am (delayed entry)
I am writing this via pen and paper by two small candles and a rather large flashlight. As you can probably guess, I am one of the 1.8 million Dominion Power customers without power, thanks to whore-i-cane Isabel.
I made out rather well for myself, actually. I left late afternoon on Wednesday and went to Richmond to stay at casa de boot. Yeah, Josh S., everybody's favorite S.A. groupie, is going to law school in Richmond. Yup, he went Republican too. I blame this solely on his housemate, who is so white he refers to potatoes as the "the food of my people" at least three times a day.
At any rate, we hung out and watched the storm news on TV and the net until his power went out midafternoon Thursday. Then he decided to invite some friends over to eat and such, as he had food he wanted to use up and a working gas stove. So we ate, and I kicked everybody's butt at UNO, and generally had a good time.
Then his friends wanted to leave. So they piled into the car and Josh drove them home. Except he didn't. After a good half hour of trying to get onto campus where they live, he realized that downed trees and power lines blocked every single path. The best part was when I called Josh's cell to inquire as to his well being... "Yeah, yeah, we're ok but we can't get onto campus... hey! HEY! Guilliome get back in the car! No no there's a power line down there!... yeah so we'll be back in a few minutes." So we had a slumber party, with fortunately everybody happy and away from power lines.
At any rate, hurricanes make you appreciate all sorts of things. Like running water. Josh's place became without that, so we all left, them to NY and me back to Va Beach. And electricity. Although that's a tossup, as electricity is very distracting and annoying at times. Actually I was extremely thankful for one thing this morning. I went to take a shower, and I was expecting horribly cold water cause my house hasn't had electricity in almost 48 hours now. But when I turned on the hot... surprise! Warm water! Halleluah! Apparantely, there was still hot water in the hot water heater. Hooray for insulated tanks. It was a pleasant surprise, and one that will most likely not be repeated. I take it back then. I can't wait for electricity to be turned back on.
9.06.03 3:09pm
Live from (upstate) NY, it's... uh... me!
Yeah, so I'm writing this from my sister's dorm room at Clarkson in Potsdam, NY. I got a few days off from work, so I did what anybody would do... drive 11 hours to see their sibling at school. Ok, so most people wouldn't do that with their time off. But I just had to see how college was treating the kid. Pretty well, it seems. Sometimes *I* wish I had gone to a 35k/yr school. Then again, I wasn't exactly the type to pull off 30k/yr in scholarships like she is. :)
Anyway, I don't miss college at really. This I now know. I think one of her friends hit on me last night. Her dorm bed was uncomfortable. The showers were... interesting. I had forgotton how I find stall showers mildly embarrassing. As much as I love hanging out with her, cause she is the single coolest person in the world, 1 a.m. is pretty much past my bedtime now, and being invited out to ultimate frisbee just doesn't have the same thrill anymore. But seriously, I am glad to be up here visiting. Whhheeeee :)
9.02.03 9:47am
Yesterday was my birthday, and now I'm all old. And stuff.
For the record, I had already gotten a card and gift (sewing machine) from my mommy previous to my birthday. So I woke up and rewarded myself with cookies for breakfast, and a new set of contacts. I did my laundry, went into work to write down my schedule for the week, and then drove to my friend's apartment to rob him.
I say this partially in jest. I did in fact ask him a few days ago if I could borrow his futon mattress while he was gone, since I've been sleeping on an air mattress since I've moved to VA. He's going to be out of the country for four months, so he said, sure, my apartment's unlocked.
Now, I don't know about anybody else, but when I leave my house, I tend to lock it. Not because I really worry about anything being stolen, but you know, just because. Well, I hope he learns his lesson now. I've got his PS2 and his copy of grand theft auto: vice city. And his guitar. Though it probably that won't do me any good. Cause he's left handed. And I'm not. Whoops.
P.S. I did tell him I took his stuff. And I will give it back. I'm
not sure if he finds this as funny as I do though. I just find it
amusing that I got there and my first instinct was "Woah! Free
stuff! Happy Birthday to me!"
P.P.S. No, I will not share
his
address with anyone.
P.P.P.S. I did in fact have an unexpectadly ok
birthday. Cristin and her friend Eric took me out to the Silver Diner
for dinner and then to Rita's for a gelati. What is a gelati, you ask?
It's like soft serve and italian ice in layers. Not quite as good as
"dirt" (soft serve and ground up chocolate cookies), but pretty good
nonetheless.
:)
8.24.03 11:00pm
There are good states and bad states. If this was a "normal" one of my entries, you'd think I was talking about emotional states or something. Nope. I'm talking, literally, about states that happened to be united in america. I've been starting to make a mental list of good states and bad states, and of course, undetermined states. For instance, NY and Virginia are good states. I like them both. Vermont is as well. Texas is too. However, there are some states that don't belong to be called states at all. Let's get a quick overview of my current top three.
Arkansas is my all time number 1 hated state. I've been there twice, once for a month, and the second time for two weeks. Could you guess why I only spent half as much time there the second time I went? I can't stand it. Bill Clinton's great accomplishment there was bringing the education system up to 48th from 50th. Yeah. I didn't like it. At all. Never going back. Ever.
New Jersey is going strong at number 2 for stupid annoying states. Just the fact that people call it JOI-ZEE should be reason enough. But the entire highway system there is the main reason for my wrath. OMG. Would it be so hard to fix your signs so they make sense? Jersey doesn't get to be #1 for two reasons however... 1) I never had to live there, just go through it, and 2) Hope, NJ - Home of the Land of Make-Believe amusement park. I really like amusement parks, and even though I've never gone to that particular one (just driven by it), the whole idea of having a park named that in a town called Hope was just too much ironic cute for me to be mad at that part of NJ. Sad, I know.
And, as of this weekend, North Carolina jumps to the number three spot. To be fair, there is nothing particularly obnoxious about the state that I can tell. It's just mind-numbingly boring. Most of it anyway. Maybe I'm wrong. If you're bored then you're boring -Harvey Danger But I also think it's fairly likely that the state of North Carolina has done nothing interesting with it's alloted space. Except maybe give lung cancer to millions of americans. Whee.
Actually, I should go easier on good ole N.C. I did also pick up a really awesome book at a bookstore somewhere in Durham. American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. I can't believe I waited so long to read it. If you have any interest in mythology or philosophy or fantasy, go to your nearest retailer. Immediately. Yeah, now. Right now. GO.
8.17.03 12:54 a.m.
Mmmm. Delayed entry.
See, at this point, I do not have internet access. Obviously by the time this gets posted, I will, but while I am writing this I do not. Actually, I haven't even had a computer for days. That's right, no computer. No mp3s, no games, no nothing. See, I've moved. And in the midst of moving, I broke my computer. But fortunately, my worst fears did not come true, and I didn't wreck my motherboard.. just my power supply. And I was even lucky there... I went garage sale-ing this morning and found a case and power supply for $10. Lucky lucky me. So now I have a computer. And I am moved. To a much nicer place. With a totally cool housemate. But without internet access.... yet.
All this computerless existance has made me kinda strange. Even now that I have it again, I don't find it as interesting. I got used to living a bit. Well, carrying stuff in and out of houses anyway. Moving is kinda like living, except without the human interaction. My stuff is still a mess. I didn't really want to deal with it, so about an hour ago I decided to go to Walmart for some fingernail clippers and some hangers. Most people think it's strange for someone to go to Walmart at midnight on a saturday night for nail clippers and hangers in the middle of a lightning storm. They're probably right. It is strange.
Walmart sends me into the surreal. I don't know why. Maybe because I am tired and it is late but I always end up wandering aimlessly looking at things I will never ever buy. Well, probably won't buy. I get the clippers, and then head to look at DVDs. My housemate (from now on referred to by her name... Cristin) told me tonight that she had never seen Amelie. I love that movie. It's cute. It's funny. It makes me feel better about life. But they didn't have it. I mean, it was nominated for a damn oscar. But I guess that's too good for Walmart... can't have the customers thinking, can we? Nope.
Things started to fall apart. I wandered into Mary Kate and Ashley Olson territory. I can fit in their clothes. I can fit into tween clothing. There is nothing quite as startling as realizing that you can fit into clothing for idols that were babies as you remember them. I wander again, towards the fabric and craft section. I imagine what would happen if someone called me right then, yes, i am in the craft section looking at patterns for pajamas and staring at yarn though I don't know how to knit. I don't know how to crochet. I can barely sew. I can't cook. I am a useless woman. I decide to move on, cutting through the toy section, because that is something I know about. I feel guilt though.... the unexplainable pressure to grow up. I remember when there were people in my life that put that pressure there. At what point do you internalize that? I don't want that pressure. I move on anyway. I look at tropical fish. There is a white trash couple picking out fish... I try to avoid eye contact and look for the bettas. The only real pet I've ever had was a betta. But he was named after my ex, so I don't think I could ever buy another. He was a good fish, though, lasted two years, kept hanging on. Sometimes pets are more than just a reflection of their owners. I know I am a betta at heart. The siamese fighting fish from hell. I swim alone in a hollow tank, get lonely, but attack any other fish that get near me. Of course, I'd attack Phish even more if I met them. This thought makes me look down. I'm wearing hippie pants. With a big blue velvet star over the knee. I ripped that idea off a friend... well, someone who used to be a friend. I think he was anyway. Once you start to doubt yourself, you start to doubt your past. Your perceptions, old and new. There's no way to stop it either. All you can do is buy some cream of chicken soup at walmart, and some oyster crackers, and some ginger ale, and check out in the self checkout lane and get in your car to listen to more orbital and start driving and see a horrible car accident on the way home between a motorcycle and a truck that's completely blocked up the road and your window's rolled down as you hear this guy telling this girl not to move her head, just open your eyes, please, just open your eyes but don't move your head.....
8.03.03 11:00pm
I was down at the oceanfront, and I had a question I needed to ask God. I said, God, am I just a tiny peice of algae floating out there in the murky waters? And he answered, yes honey, you are just a tiny peice of algae. But you are also the vastness of the ocean itself.
I guess that's the way we all are. I will try to remember that.
7.28.03 10:37pm
I am slowly growing to loathe food.
It's such a pain in my bum. I try to get lots of calories without it being full of salt and sugar, but it needs to taste good too, or I just won't eat it. Did I mention it has to be cheap and easily preparable or I won't buy it either? Yeah. Too many pushes and pulls. I don't know what to do. So I just get frustrated in the middle of Wal-Mart at how ridiculous our entire society has become and I start to wonder what New Zealand is like. Bah.
7.27.03 10:46pm
*edit* Wasn't worth the post, what a waste of space.
7.23.03 9:02pm
May you rise as you fall... -Smashing Pumpkins
And fallen I have. I felt so good on Sunday. I felt strong and right and full of hope. But since then has been an inexplicable slide down. Down, down, falling down. Ok, not entirely inexplicable. There are many reasons I am unhappy. Much of it is just perception, and most of that is just my perception of others perception of me. I've never been one to be concerned with what people think. I take what I can get. If someone is willing to put up with my... idiosyncrasies, let's call them, then they can think whatever. But I start to get edgy sometimes. A failing of confidence, I suppose. And all I want is honesty. Mostly I need to be honest with myself, I think.
I would like the burden of some hopes and dreams, please.
My day started at 5:15am. I woke up freezing. I did not move to Virginia to feel the chill of winter in July. I hate A/C, and I hate that people do not realize it does not need to be 50 degrees in the house overnight. After pulling an extra blanket up from the bottom of my bed, I went back to sleep and my day started for real at 7am. I threw some clothes on and drove to the DMV. I was still 20th in line outside. You need to be serious about going to the DMV. You have to really need something drastic. And I did. I needed my license switched over. I actually managed to get out of there by 8:45. But then I needed insurance. And an inspection. Whoops. Car didn't pass. Hole in the exhaust. $40 more. $40 I don't have. Did I mention I bought a digital camera the other day? I bought it with money I'll never have. I never have money. I never thought I'd say I wanted more money, but I do. I'm seriously thinking about getting a second job. It's not like I have a life anyway. I just stand in line at the DMV. I did for three hours today. Three hours of my life gone. I did get some reading done though. Two skimmed chapters in my philosophy of A.I. book, and I finished the one Flannery O'Connor book I've been reading. The only real exciting thing about getting my license is that now I can get a library card. More books to read, more life to hide from.
I fell asleep while watching Lilo + Stitch, which is good, cause I may have cried at the ending. But I woke up like I was fighting cobwebs and I knew it was time to get outside. I went to Mount Trashmore, and made the sad sad realization that the only thing they have for a hill is a covered over landfill. One that is fenced off because the garbage is seeping up. Garbage always seeps up... that's a hard lesson to learn. And there are always animals there to pick at it. Scavengers and hunters making their living off you. I went to playground to let it all go. I swung on the swings and realized the clouds were nothing I could break through. They swirled like countertops; formica and lineoleum, marble and plastic. And they were nothing I could break through. As a child they were cotton candy. But they have to close up sometime. The swings made my stomach work as I pushed to reach the countertops. I still wanted to smash into it. I still wanted to claw at it. All I want is an adult sized playground, where I don't feel like a fool for still enjoying climbing up a tower. I don't want to go to a gym, and I don't want to go running. I want to push that wooden bridge back and forth, climb the circular stairs, and pump my legs to the sky. I want a shovel and a huge sandbox. I want to hang upside down and not worry about my shirt falling down. I want a tree fort. At what point should have I let this go? I can see, but I cannot show.
7.20.03 9:07pm
I had the perfect day.
In all the ways that matter, anyway. I think I messed up my arm, but I just feel so calm and accepting of what the world sends to me today. Guess I'll go wreck that by paying my bills. :)
Oh, and I managed to add a couple things over the last week or so. Nothing major, 10 or 12 pictures. Always a work in progress, just like my life.
7.16.2003 11:25pm
Things I learned yesterday:
1) First Landing State Park is awesome. It is full of cute lizards and
big blue butterflies, and really quiet 3 mile long trails.
2) If someone offers you a candy bar to get in their car, even if
they're your friend, don't get in unless you want to risk not coming
back.
3) Cops in VA will give tickets for 79 in a 65. Just glad it wasn't
me.
4) Charlottesville is in VA. Charlotte is in NC. I have not yet been to
NC.
That is all.
7.10.03 11:04pm
Well, I came back from NY safe and sound last week... ok, mostly safe and sound, but I hit that tractor trailer at a very low speed, so my car seems ok. :D Since then I've been doing what I always do: Work, eat, computer, sleep, repeat. I did, however, manage to find a really cool used bookstore on my day off. What impressed me was not so much their selection or even organization of books, but that it was all in this old beach bungalow that I can only imagine has been there for at least 40 years. It's houses like that on the oceanfront that make me the most sad, as I remember how much fun Sylvan Beach was when I was kid (or heck, how much fun it was last year even), and sometimes it feels like that kind of soul is devoid from Virginia Beach. I mean, obviously, you can't take the soul out of the ocean. But sometimes I worry they really have taken it from the beach... built it up sooo much that the innocence is gone. Hmm. I don't know if I should get over my obsession with childhood, or cherish it as a strength....
Oh. Right. Bookstore. I did manage to find a couple of really cool books, including one called "The philosophy of artificial intelligence." It's cool not only because it's a good topic, but because I have actually heard of some of the people in the book. Wow. Guess Cornell did get some knowledge into my brain after all. Only a little bit though, because the book is so thickly written I take it at about 2 pages a day. Whoops.
And tomorrow I get to see the Violent Femmes play............. :)
6.26.03 10:16pm
Really, really, bored. Let's post some good music I've been listening to lately. Because, of course, I wouldn't listen to bad music.
Let's start with people/bands that have new stuff out and I haven't listened to yet. Radiohead - Paranoid Android, Black Star, Lurgee, Let Down, and my fav, Pyramid Song: There was nothing to fear, and nothing to doubt. Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville - especially Canary, Soap Star Joe, and the fantastically bitter **** and Run: I can feel it in my bones, I'm gonna spend my whole life alone. Jane's Addiction - Mountain Song, Stop, No One's Leaving, Then She Did: Will you say hello to my ma? Will you pay a visit to her? She was an artist, just as you were. I'd have introduced you to her. She would take me out on Sundays. We'd go laughing through the garbage. She repaired legs like a doctor on the kitchen chairs we sat on. She was unhappy, just as you were. Unhappy, just as you were...
Ok, new theme. The end of the alphabet. T. Third Eye Blind - Motorcycle Drive By and Narcolepsy. Toadies - Tyler, Paper Dress, and Motivational. Tricky - Evolution Revolution Love, Excess: I believe in people bombing, I believe in people warring, I believe disease's coming, I believe that's why I'm running Tripping Daisy - Jump into the Fire. W Weezer - Jamie, Only in Dreams, El Scorcho, Say it Ain't So. White Stripes - There's No Home for you here, Hardest Button to Button, Finding it Harder to Be a Gentleman.
Man oh man. This is gonna be harder than I thought. This just includes the stuff in my mp3 playlists. Not even the stuff I've been attached to on tape and CD lately. I think I'm gonna give up for now. Maybe I'll resolve to write here more often, as it seems to be a decent way to pass the time, and then I'll share my taste in music with my non-existant viewers. Hmm. Sounds like a plan. One more song before I sleep. Soul Coughing - Screenwriter's Blues: Gone savage for teenagers with automatic weapons and boundless love, gone savage for teenagers who are aesthetically pleasing, in other words, fly. Los Angeles beckons the teenagers to come to her on buses; Los Angeles loves love. Good Night!
P.S. I would also like to mention that when I hear Screenwriter's Blues, I hear MC 900 Ft. Jesus's "If I Only Had a Brain" start up right after it, cause Bethany "the beef" Hart made me an antimatter mix with those two songs on side A. Tracks 2 and 3 I think. American Music by Violent Femmes started out the mix. Another great song. Wow, this is really gonna take forever to sort out...
6.26.03 9:17pm
Wow. Two posts in less than 24 hours. I must be really bored. Um, well I thought of three things to say. Wheeeee.
The first is that I love and am very proud of my sister Cassie. She stuck it out, and though I know for a fact her high school is the kind of place I would have "had problems" with, she is graduating 5th in her class on Saturday at 2pm. Tomorrow, I drive the 12 hours back to NY to watch this event. It's gonna be weird being back in NY. But I will be very glad to see her graduate. For the record, she'll be attending Clarkson University in the fall to study Mechanical Engineering. She got into the honors program there, and got about 5/6ths of the way paid for. Go Cassie!
The second thing I have to say is that I had a lot of nightmares last night. I know that some of them were true nightmares, where bad stuff was happening, and you awake and quite shake that response to it. I was up about an hour and a half last night. Anybody that knew from me from CoRE can attest to my amazing sleeping abilities, and this was a weird occurance: the inability for me to sleep. I then, after getting to sleep again, had the other kind of nightmare... dreams that felt so right and good it was a huge disappointment to wake up and find they weren't real. Ugh.
And the third totally random thing I have to say about music. I was just listening to mp3s tonight, and sometimes I've downloaded music that was on mix tapes my friends in high school had given me. You know, in the age before CD burners. And what's totally freaky, completely mindnumbingly crazy, is that once that song is over, I start to hear the beginning of the next song on the tape. I mean, it's one thing to be able to place a song after a couple of notes or beats. Most people can. But I'm hearing ghost songs. And then, sometimes, I manage to get that ghost song stuck in my head. It's really crazy. And slightly annoying. And reminds me of this. Am I neurotic?
6.25.03 10:04pm
Usually I wait unti I have something to say and write it here. But today, I don't really have anything to say. So I thought I'd write, and post myself a note, see? On Wednesday, June 25th, I had nothing much to say. I feel like I'm waiting for something and am blinded to what that might be. I still have a cold. I drove to the Norva, well, the Backstage Cafe, and spent $52 that I don't have on three concerts I really want to see: One band I've wanted to see for three months, one band I've wanted to see for a year, and one band I've wanted to see since I was 16 years old. Those three bands are, in order, Hot Hot Heat, the White Stripes, and Dada. That is also the order in which they are playing the Norva. This makes me happy. Also, I went to work today. I had a Banquet Fried Chicken frozen meal for lunch, and it made me kind of sick. I read some more Flannery O'Connor during my lunch break. It was a story about a historian, his mother, and a nymphomaniac. After I'm done with this book, I'm going to read Wise Blood by her as well. Ministry lifted "Where you come from is gone, where you thought you were going to weren't never there, where you are ain't no good unless you get away from it" from the movie based on that book. So I can't wait to read it. Well, I guess I managed to say something after all. Rock.
6.22.03 12:43am
For the record, the Cox repair guys showed up when they were supposed to last Friday and fix my net connection. I suppose I forgive them for now. But should any other interuption to my service occur... *shakes fist*
Anyway, my life is weird. Sometimes life gives you people that you don't want to lose and you do. And then life gives you back people you thought you lost and you didn't. And life tells you about someone you've lost for good and you're all upset because, well, you couldn't have done anything differently, really, but what if you had? And then life reminds you that even your friends will lie to your face, and the meek will get punched and hurt, but then, you couldn't do much about it, and it's not right to hold them to a higher standard than you hold yourself. But I love the world and the people and especially my friends, even if some days I don't feel like they're my friends much at all. Told you my life was weird.
Oh, and then life sends you on a blind date...lol
6.09.03 9:03pm
I hate Cox Cable.
I hate them for the simple reason that my 'net connection dropped at some point last Wednesday and has not yet come back up. I hate them because the repair guy didn't show up today when he was supposed to. I hate them because I am paying $7.15 an hour to use a computer in a net cafe to write this, and I don't even make $7.15 at work. So I proclaim this loud and clear: I hate you Cox Cable. And though you may fix this problem later in the week, you will not be excused from your sins. Corporations are not people and I grant you no forgiveness.
Never mess with a geek, yo. ;)
6.02.03 9:59pm
I currently reside in Virginia Beach, Virginia. I wake up some days and forget that that's true. I forget that I know almost no one within 300 miles of here. I forget about the strip malls and the overbearing congested traffic that dogs my every outing. I forget about tourist seasons and frequent photo cards and apartment complexes and gigantic mosquitoes. But when I forget all that I also forget about the ocean. And the concerts. And the sunshine. And the crazy and fantastic people I have managed to meet here in the last few weeks. So I don't want to forget. I want to remember that I am here. And that I chose to be here. Because this place held a promise for me, a promise of warmth on my skin and warmth on my heart. It has already delivered on both.
I am very happy here. There are no explanations as to why this place has such an effect on me. But I am very simply glad that it does.
5.14.03 9:50am
I got into Plattsburgh about 8:30 last night, and so after visiting with my family for several hours, I crashed pretty hard into my bed. I thought I made it pretty clear that I was going to sleep in, and at about 7:30 this morning, I was having a very pleasant dream about chocolate chip granola bars. Basically, the dream was me eating a box of them. MMMmmm.... chocolate. Anyway, this is how my morning began...
Cassie: Kelly, Kelly wake up!
Me: MMmmmm... (one eye
opens)...MMmorning kiddo. Do we have any granola bars? With
chocolate?
Cassie: Uhhhh, no. I ate them all the other day. Uh, I
missed the bus and my AP Government test is in 20 minutes, can you drive
me?
Me: No granola bars? At all?
Cassie: No.
Me: Oh. (other eye
opens) You need a ride? Sure.
And, so she made it to school in time for her test. I am, however, still very disappointed in the lack of granola bars in my life. I have yet to figure out what caused this craving, but I assure you, I will not be kept from the granola goodness for long. :)
5.08.03 9:30pm
Well, the countdown has begun. One week to Virginia. I couldn't even tell you why I'm going anymore. I'm starting to believe it won't change me the ways I hope it will. But I'm still going to try. Who knows, maybe I'll be back in a month. But hey, as in all things in my life, I tried. I try. I try. Don't start that Yoda b.s. on me, I try.
Anyway, I was down in VA for a couple of days this week. Other than the crying fits in random parking lots (as a result of not being able to find a place to live) things went from strange to surreal in about 10 seconds. I stayed at a truck stop the first night... sleeping in my car was pretty bad. And I awoke at 6am to the sounds, of no, not Virginians fighting, but a couple of born and bred New Yorkers were arguing in the parking lot. Can't miss that accent yo. Still don't know what they were fighting about. So I started on my way again, being frustrated at every turn by arcane renting laws, only to recieve a phone call from someone I didn't expect. Funny how life gets put in perspective real quick. What was I like a year ago? Would I ever have had the cajones to even drive down the coast? I know the answer is no. I may have screwed a lot of things up, but at least I've got my iron will back. Still, the phone call sent me into another bout of crying, for reasons unexplainable in a public setting. (Note: This is why I sleep a lot. If I don't sleep, I get cranky. If I get cranky, I get frustrated. If I get frustrated, I start crying. I hate crying. Therefore, I sleep.) Anyway, I took some time to walk along the ocean after that, wondering if I should give up on the whole thing. But then I got a phone call... might have found a place to live! So I looked at it, it's sharing an apartment with two other people, but it's cheap so I'll probably take it. They let me sleep on their couch too, so no more truck stops for me. Rock.
On a lighter note, I saw the strangest graffeti along the way. "Ionic Havoc Ionic" was scrawled along a fence. I have no clue what that refer to. Email me if you have a theory. I also saw "One Way Jesus" underneath a bridge. I made up a song about it, but it's really bad. Then I saw "Holocaust Abortion" on an overpass. Sounds like some kind of pro-life band, or maybe some kind of weird historical movie. I still have no idea. But I'm glad people feel the need to scrawl random things along the highway, it definitely makes my life better. Hmm, maybe I should buy some spray paint and spread the joy??? :D
4.22.03 12:26am
You know, I'm ok. Some days I wake up crazy and some days I'm totally sane. Some days I'm sure I have no purpose and some days I feel all the intent of this existance flowing through me like some kind of bioelectomagnetic current of the soul. And some days I'm just shut off, totally and completely nonexistant. But I know, in the end, every day, that I'm ok. And not only do I know that, but I know that things will be ok. And tonight I go to sleep, and I tell myself, hey, things are ok. I've got everything I need, and almost everything I could want. And that makes me happy. Really strangely truly happy.
4.11.03 11:30pm
I put up even more new stuff. If you can't find anything new, you're lazy or blind. Wait, I'm lazy and mostly blind, and I can still find it. So, :P
4.11.03 2:44pm
Yeah, so slowly I'm getting stuff together and updating. I put up four pages of pics today, one under family, three under friends. I still have... oh.. um... probably 8-10 more pages I want to put up. And that's just of pictures, eventually I want to have other stuff on here. But that's eventually.
Anyway, life is good today. Don't know why. I'm just sitting around, being lazy, listening to Led Zeppelin. I hope the mood holds (especially since I'm managing to get some stuff done too, despite my lethargy).
4.1.03 5:36pm
Happy April Fool's Day. I haven't played any jokes on anyone. Although, originally, I think it was just that the fools were those who insisted on April 1st being the first day of the year instead of January 1st when it was changed. Or something. History is fuzzy in my mind. Guess the world will never know.
Anyway, my life has become surreal but boring. I went to Canada yesterday, on a whim with some ppl I know from the great snowy northness. Almost didn't get back into the country, because *some* people don't know to bring their wallet with them when they leave the house. I kinda had fun there, I stole a brick from the Niagara Falls park (the NY side), and went to the casino in Canada. I like casinos. Not because I think I'm going to win money, but because the lights and colors turn this switch on in my mind. This happy ferretlike switch. *Whee... Poing*. See my links page to go to sluggy if you have no idea why I think ferrets go poing.
Yeah, so that's what my life has turned into. Days of solitude followed by days of trying to remember how to be a social being. I think I'm going to move soon. Don't know exactly when yet. Not entirely sure where either. People have asked me what I'm running from, and I think I finally know. I'm running from the pattern I've settled into. It's not a happy pattern, and it's about time I lost it. I guess we'll see... Sorry this is such a downer. I just kinda hope no one reads this, but I like being able to write it. :)
2.3.03 10:59pm
How does it feel like
to wake up in the sun.
How does it feel like
to shine on everyone.
How does it feel like
to let forever be.
How does it feel like
to spend a little lifetime sitting in the
gutter.
Scream out sympathy...
-chem bros. let forever be.
just disregard me