11/27/04 7:31pm
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us. -Charles Dickens
Some things never change. There were some really truly crappy aspects to my week... my car now smells of mold and algae, thanks to my flooded street, and the sewer system at my house no longer works (anybody want to lend me their shower tomorrow?) and somebody who I invited into my home decided that he did not need to respect me or my wishes. Thus, he is no longer in my home. It's really difficult creating a balance between being a kind person and not being a pushover. I don't really want to be an a$$h01e, you know? But I'm not gonna put up with crap from people. It's not worth my time to. Life is too short. Life is too deep. Life is...
I interrupt this normal post to let you know that I am, in fact, eating a very delicious Oreo chocolate whip-creamy cake. Life is too yummy.
So anyway, I've been taking the crap that's come my way in stride, as much as I know how anyway. Right now I'm wrestling with forgiveness, to a certain extent, as well as the concept of righteousness, and destiny, and faith. I think about these things often. Church struck a chord with me tonight, but without giving me a direction. Tied into this... I've been reading Stranger in a Strange Land. I feel the urge to type "i want to grok it all" without knowing if I really do. Or if I really understand.
This post is really random, I know, but I also want to say that I scrolled down my posts here and on my myspace blog, and I realized that I'm becoming less and less overwhelmed by "REAL LIFE". Real life, in fact, is becoming rather easy to deal with. Now a long time ago I tried the Prozac thing, but I determined the underlying issue in my life was not depression or anger or anything else they could ascribe to me. It was truly that I was not equipped with the emotional tools to deal with real life. My emotional maturity at 20 was that of a 12 year old. Life happens, you know, and in my past things happened that stunted me. Chemo on the soul, you know? But I made this realization at the age of 20, in the space of about three weeks, three weeks in which I stopped speaking to most people I knew, and along with this realization that there are no goals to our life except the directive from God to be kind to each other, along with that I finally got the sense that I needed to completely revamp how I perceived the world. It's been nearly four years since that three weeks. It's been nearly four years and I believe that I have done a lot of work on it and moved three steps forward for every two steps back I've made. The project always moves forward, with the best intentions always at the forefront.
Another interruption here at interruption center. I bought some Cherry Chill Eclipse gum today, thinking it would taste like Cherry Cola. I was wrong. OH I WAS WRONG. It tastes like cough syrup... anybody like that taste? Do you want some free gum?
I guess I should make a quick mention of Thanksgiving. Save for a half hour or so (where I was dealing with the houseguest situation), I really did enjoy myself. I was nervous here and there, but I felt thankful. I felt thankful most for the friends in my life who are awesome, and because of my recent whittling process, that's like most of them! I really don't deserve to be blessed as I am... well fed and of well being. But that's what Thanks Giving is for. Thanks. To you. For reading this silly self indulgent page (all like, four of you!) :)
10.24.04 11:23pm
I've spent the last week swinging between being content and being... well, surly.
Rationally speaking, I need a plan. I usually have some kind of vague plan. I have vague ideas now... but no plans. I need a plan. Once I have a plan, things will feel more stable. Once I put the plan to action, things will feel less stable. But, if it's a good plan, things will feel more stable once again. That is the nature of things. If you're asking yourself, well, what kind of plan? Exactly. That's why I know I need one. I'm lost in every aspect of my life. I can still be content like that.. sometimes. But the surliness won't lessen until I know what I'm doing with myself. Wish me luck.
9.24.04 3:34pm
I find it funny that I usually talk about the less important things in my life on here because the more important things I find better to keep from being broadcast to the world. Somebody reminded me of the way-back machine last night, which is a way to look at websites from the past. I put some things on here that are important to me, sometimes, but most of the time I only reveal what I wouldn't mind my mom seeing. That's my criteria. I think it's a good one.
So yeah, there's some important stuff going on in my life, but I'm not really going to talk about it. I'm ok. Yup. Every day, I'm ok. I've gotten over a lot of the things I needed to, and there's still hurt and craziness, and lonliness and struggle, but I pulled myself back together and I enjoy being me again. That's good enough. As for the non-important stuff, I saw two free movies this week (Ladder 49: Suck. Harry Potter 3: Rock.) as well as the Burden Brothers. The Burden Brothers were awesome. Did you ever just wake up in the morning and wanted to rock? Well. I got to rock. And it was rocking. Rock on. Lol, well that's it for now... back to real life...
9.15.04 10:06pm human beings are hurtful and mean
"im sorta going through this thing where i tell people what i really think.. its for my music.. i was gonna play it cool. but i need to tell you a couple things... for one i think your crazy. two i think you need to learn that your not that smart at all. three i was really hurt completely and devasted by two comments of yours one being "you never thought i could sing" and two "at least i don't have substance abuse problems" i've changed so much and i have such big plans that i can't be around people like you anymore. i'm sorry. i wish you the best of life but i don't ever see you helping me again. so this is goodbye.. good luck"
i am a human being.
i have done this sort of thing to others before. even recently, in fact.
however, i feel as though i had better reasons.
i have been friends with the person who wrote the above paragraph for ten years. during those ten years he has had multiple issues (yes, including substance abuse problems). i have, during those ten years, been as good a friend as i knew how. one of the things i said above was misinterpreted and i tried repeatedly to explain that to him. the other was simply truth, and was in response to when he was criticizing my life.
i talked to someone for a bit and he said i really shouldn't think much of what people like that have to say. people like that because my former friend has a low prestige job and a coke and alcohol problem. on the other hand, i've been friends with him for ten years. TEN YEARS! what do you do with that? i can't change where my friends ended up. i think he's going to be a famous musician someday, because he has a lot of talent. more in his pinky than i have in my whole body. and i know the "big plans" involve him cutting a record deal in the next year or so. but is that reason to throw me away? is it so bad that i was honest with him?
i think the most telling statement is the "i don't ever see you helping me again". i guess this all depends on where your ideas about friendship come from. some of my friends will never be able to help me. it is not within their means. some of my friends i will never be able "to help". their lives are sorted and in order, they are well on their way to healthy, wealthy and wise. i used to joke that i only have useful friends, but it's really not true. my friends are all kinds of people. rich and poor, big and small, quiet and loud... here, there, and everywhere. i don't need them to be any other way than what they are, so long as they aren't crazier than i can deal with. so i'm not gonna help HIM again? well, that's great that he doesn't need my help. i thought my friendship with him was deeper than that though. it makes me sad that it really wasn't.
i cried over this. he'll never know it, but i did.
then again, he's
not the kind of person i thought he was. does it really matter after
all?
9.12.04 12:33am
Another quick going-over of events. I had my birthday. It was mostly good. I got some money from my family. And a book. And some toys from Dave and Busters. And Laura made me a cake. Rock. Also, I found a job. I'm back working for good old Ritz Camera. Except now I'm at a Wolf Camera. Same company. I'm going to withhold my opinion on this matter. I also had a cold. A bad cold. It sucked, but it's almost gone. It made me cranky. Yup.
As for today, me and Evans (ok, ok, Evans and I) went and did the Alamo Drafthouse's Death Race 2000 Road Rally. It was hilarious, most of which I don't have pictures of unfortunately, but the best parts I will quickly describe. We got free BBQ from County Line. We ran over a pinata. We consistantly avoided the police, even after they saw Evans have a bottle fly off the top of his car. I got heatstroke and became cranky. Evans learned the proper pronunciation of the word turbine. The passenger side seatbelt in the Honda Civic broke and since I was the passenger, I prayed a whole lot today. I wrote a poem about Evans, and it was horrible. 411 lied to me about whether or not there was a Chuck E Cheese on Burnet (there is). Evans had melon boobs. The telephone booth held an ATM. I scared two unemployed democrats. We got to the finish line first of all the teams that finished the race. 19 of 22 teams didn't finish the race. The movie was hilarious. After they scored the points, we placed 2nd overall. We got a big bag of crap. I played with sparklers lit off the back of someone's flaming tailpipe. And it was good. Yup, today was awesome. Now I must sleep. :)
8.25.04 9:28pm
It's been awhile. To recap: I moved, I flew, my sister got married, I flew back, and I played a game or two of sequence in the past month. All the while my head was hurting worse.. and worse.. and worse...
I gave up and went to the doctor. I don't like doctors. But I went to the doctor and the doctor said "No more monkeys jumping on the bed." He also told me to quit my job as that is the most readily apparant source of stress in my life. This stress is causing my headaches. I don't like having headaches, so I quit my job today. As Laura would say, Hooray for FUNemployment!
I don't think it's really going to be fun, but I'm hoping to end up in a better place than I was before. You can't gain if you don't take risks. That's just the way life is. I'm taking a risk. I hope God comes up with a plan for me, cause I sure ain't got one. I don't think I'm going to move again this year. I can't speak for '05, but I think the rest of '04 is a strictly Austin bound adventure. It feels weird to want to be in one place for a little while. A lot of things feel weird, actually. It's birthday time. I'm going to be old next week. That's what it feels like anyway. Three years ago I was starting my senior year of college and my friends gave me NSYNC sunglasses and we ate some cake. Two years ago I went to a car show and then my relationship of four years ended. Last year I robbed my friend and ate a gelati. This year? I'm going to be unemployed. 2004 was supposed to be a good year. It hasn't really been a good year so far... It's been a crazy year. Completely nuts. I cannot possibly imagine having done more stuff in the last 8.5 months than I have.
That being said, there are pictures up now on the friends page of some of the things I did previous to April/the move to Austin. Winter 2003 is fully up and Vacationeering nearly is. I hope to eventually upload pictures that are relevent to my current life, but what is, is. If you have any prayers or good thoughts (or jobs!) saved up, send 'em my way. I could use them...
Dandy Warhols - Big Indian
Well my friends do me so right
I'm lucky this far
Maybe it's karma
I get over them, but
Only at times
And I thank my lucky stars
I wish I may, I wish that I might
Just keep an open mind
All of the time
My old man told me one time
You never get wise, you only get older
And most things, you never know why
But that's fine
When the future is frightening
And I seem to be fighting it
Well soon as it's brightening
Then I, I feel fine, and then I
I feel fine
Well my friends do me so right
I'm lucky this far
Maybe it's karma
I get over them, but
Only at times
Well the future is frightening
And I seem to be fighting it
But soon as it's brightening
Well the future is brightening
The future is frightening, but I
I feel fine
Oh yes I, I feel fine
7.27.04 6:47am
Wow.
So this server (affectionately known as warp, since the name of our group was core, and that means we login into warp.core and we're big dorks), so anyway this server has been offline for a very long time. And no one knew why, or at least no one I know knew why, and then this morning I woke up to find that someone IM'd me to say "Hey Kelly your webpage is back up". Well imagine that. So I'm going to update this while I can.
The last time I wrote on here I guess I was horribly depressed and I kinda know why and that's all good. Lately I've been alright, though I've been really stressed out. People stress me out and work stresses me out and I'm moving this week (AGAIN, cause you know I can't live in the same place for more than 4 months.) and that stresses me out too. No, I'm not moving very far or anything, but it's still a pain. And then my sister's getting married in less than two weeks and I'm flying up in a week and a half and I have to rearrange my work schedule and drive to San Antonio and then it's horribly sad cause there's all these people I want to see while I'm in NY and I won't have time to. STRESS.
I know it's really stupid for me to just sit here and bitch, but I just want there to be a way for my life to be under control. Or stable. Or something. I'm working on it. There's some interesting good stuff going on in my life as well, but I'm not going to talk about that for fear of jinxing it. Except that this week I went to Half Price Books for the first time and honestly got more bang for the buck than I could have dreamed of. A couple CDs, my favorite game (SEQUENCE!!), and an armful of books for $43. Yeah, I don't actually have $43 to spend, but if you're gonna spend $43 I think that's the best kind of deal you can get.
Ok, time to go to work. I really don't want to....
6.16.04 11:23pm
Shared some more of myself. Scroll to the bottom for the additions.
6.11.04 10:55am
Since I'm being honest, I want to make a list of my fears so that I can identify all of them. This is ranked by importance.
- The fear that I will wake up one morning and will have lost it completely
- I fear that I am ordinary just like everyone (courtesy the Smashing Pumpkins)
- I am afraid I will be alone for the rest of my life, or more specifically, I'm afraid that no one will ever really know and understand me and still love me
- I fear being dependent on other people (I guess between this one and the last one I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place)
- I'm scared of getting hurt by people and being betrayed or ignored or abandoned
- I'm afraid of walking into cobwebs
- I'm vaguely scared of needles
So there you go. All the major negative influences. All in one place. Dissect me.
6.11.04 9:56am
I swear it's not that I only have bad days, and bad feelings. I'm just much more likely to write here about them. I'm just going to say that up front.
Last night I got really depressed and disconnected. I felt dead, I felt like nothing was very bright or very real, there was a warm wind blowing against my skin, a nurturing tickle, and it was like I couldn't feel it. I wanted to feel it. I knew that it should feel good. Staring at the clouds as they rush past the stars should be calming. I should have this sense of beauty and wonder, I should swim in awe at the glory of the sky. But I didn't. I couldn't. And trying to enjoy them just made me feel worse and worse until I stopped talking, which is what I do when I've sunk completely. My mind forces itself to be cut off from my voice, I pull back into myself and the ability for anyone to reach me is gone. I felt even less alive, even more like a rock forced to act human, a marionette doing a little dance (Why do you wear that stupid man suit? -Donnie Darko). I had the opportunity to take a little nap, and I did and when I awoke I had my ability to speak back. My friend, being a good friend, forced me to use it and tried to help me. But talking really doesn't help, in some ways it actually makes it worse. It put words to the feelings I don't want to admit to. Eventually it was time to try to sleep and so I laid down, and allowed myself to cry, and that relaxed my body enough to finally pass out from exhaustion. There used to be a time when I could sleep anything away. That no longer holds true and I woke much in the same mood that I went to sleep in.
So usually I have all these different problems that will crop up. I'm lonely, and frustrated. I'm dead and cut off. I have no goals and I don't want anything. I can't find enjoyment in anything, or I don't feel there's any point to my job, or I just feel apathetic. There's an overused word, apathetic. But I used to be strong and now I'm weak. I was interested in the world, and now it bores me. I had opinions and now they're a shell of what I used to believe. I used to believe in the wonder of the world and now... I can't believe it's gone. I've lost all the things I used to like about myself, and I don't know how to get them back and I don't even want to look into mirrors sometimes. I don't want to see what I've become.
But I finally realized something just before I went to sleep and had a dream that I was having a party at my house full of people I didn't know and I forgot to turn the security alarm off and I was going to be in trouble. I realized that all the things that bother me are just symptoms. They're the problems that come to the surface. The source has been hiding though. It's a very simple domino effect, actually. It's was an easy source to find once I realized what I was looking for. And I'm not going to cop out and say it's my biochemistry that causes this and I'm doomed. I've fought that before and I'll fight it again. But I came to the conclusion that I have nothing to look forward to. And that's what made me cry last night. The realization that I can live my day to day life and I'll survive, but that I'll keep running into this unless I find something to look forward to. But what is there to? I don't really care about making a lot of money and having a good job and a career. I want to have children someday, but I don't think that's going to happen. I want to love someone, but I'm so bad at it there's not really any point in trying. Why put someone through the misery of trying to love me, I've already seen what I do. And I'm finally making some friends here, I finally have things to do but I'm so half alive all the time that even when I'm having fun I feel like my personality's skewed, and I already know that friends will come and go, they will wander in and out of my life like atoms bouncing around in a hot mug of cocoa. There's only one dream that I have left, and that's to make music that other people can enjoy. I have come to the conclusion that dream is futile since I have very little talent and even less experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to try. I need to or then I'll have nothing left at all, but I can't really say I'm looking forward to it cause I'm not. I'm still going to throw down a huge chunk of money soon on the equipment I need, but I'm not looking forward to it. I'm just going through the motions, but that's why I'm still here to write this, which I suppose is a very small something.
I know I've written things similar to this before on here. It is finally crystal clear to me though. I'm broken in certain ways and I've done certain things and had certain experiences that have made lack an ability to look to the future and see anything good in it. And that feeling brings rise to all these other problems that eventually feed back into itself like the huge mobius strip that is my life. And the only few things that keep me walking around are music, and this possibly delusional hope that God could change things for the better in a way that I don't see. So on the one hand I suppose I'll be ok, just like I've always been ok before. On the other hand I know I'm never going to enjoy life the way other people do because of all these things I lack. I'm broken, and I don't know how to change, and as such I have nothing to look forward to. I'm really tired of having nothing.
5.31.04 9:06am
Happy Memorial Day, I guess. I don't know any dead soldiers so I'm not really sure what the point of this holiday is supposed to be.
Um, other than that, there's not much to say. They continue to cut my hours at work, so I'm broke. I'm broke, and I'm frustrated with my life, and I'm not very happy most of the time. I feel dysfunctional; I realize that I am and I don't know what to do about it. At least I can recognize that I am, right? Is that progress? I don't know. I feel as though I used to be smart and funny and interesting to be around. Now I just don't feel attractive at all, not even necessarily attractive in a physical sense. My soul doesn't feel attractive. And why does it matter suddenly what people think of me anyway? These are the things that are frustrating me. I just feel no worth.
Everyday I fight cobwebs; I wake up, I feel them, and I want to brush them off. But I don't know how. It should be so easy for me to fix this, but it hasn't been. It's so difficult to fight the things you can't see. They just stick to me, a few new ones everyday, and without a way to brush them off, they're only going to build up on me.
5.20.04 4:22am
Oh man, it's four am and it's nothing but excitement in Kelly-Land...
Yeah right, did I really have anyone fooled with that? Seriously, it's 4am and I am now convinced that I completely lack a sleep schedule. See I slept 9 hours last night and was planning on staying up late tonight, except I passed out about 11. Except then my friend IM'd me at like, quarter after one, so I woke up to see who it was and then I was WIDE AWAKE. And have been ever since. Which is kinda awesome, because this gives me yet another method to deal with my rather strange dependence on sleep. But at the same time everybody I know is sleeping or busy, so I'm just sitting around online chatting with Ben 2.0 and eating lucky charms. And I had to drive to Walmart to get the lucky charms. Because I ran out of them. So sad.
Other than the fact that I'm not yet sure if I'm going to go back to sleep tonight, things are ok I guess. I've been having a lot of nightmares, but fortunately they're not vivid. The pieces I do remember are not very happy though. Work is going ok, I'd like to be doing better (MUST BE THE BEST, lol) but I currently lack the motivation to rise to the top. I do have quite a bit of fun though. I was throwing candy at my coworkers today. It's rather funny, most people get this annoyed look on their face at first, and then they realize they've gotten free candy. I think it's an apt analogy for real life; We're going to smack you in the face with something, but then you're going to find it rewarding.
Oh man, I'm almost done with lucky charms and I think I am getting sleepy again. Maybe I'll nap before I take my car into tomorrow/later today to get my alternator belt fixed...
5.14.04 5:55pm
I don't care if you dye your hair, you'll
always be a little redhead bitch.
-something corporate
Ok, this what's really going on... Cassie's getting married and she wants me to be blonde for the wedding. I don't think she meant quite *that* blonde, but I did this now just so that I can get it right by the time August 7th rolls around. And then on August 8th... oh man, I cannot wait to be a redhead again.
5.10.04 8:12pm
It's time for some thankfulness practice, because I've been kinda
down lately. So here are 10 reasons I like work:
1) They let me wear jeans
2) They give me free candy, donuts, and cookies (and sometimes all three
in the same day)
3) It gives me something to do
4) I can pay my bills with the $ I make
5) I get to talk to people from everywhere. hawaii, minnesota, florida,
manhattan, maine. you name it, I've talked to them
6) I get to sell something I believe in
7) I get to hang out with cool people and have paper ball fights all day
long
8) I get a cubicle with two and a half walls
9) I'm ok at it so I feel accomplished
10) and my customers seem to like me! :)
5.03.04 7:31pm
Ok, so I'm into day two of my real job. Answering phones. It's alright, I'm not doing as well as I want to be but I think I'll get the hang of it eventually. The real story of this post, however, happens at lunch. I went down at 1:30 and pulled out my food when I noticed a line near the other doorway. There was free cake! Apparantely today was the 20th anniversary of Dell. Woo. Dell cake. So I got some. And then I sat down again. And then another crowd forms, and I realize that Michael Dell and Kevin Rollins have come down to serve cake to all the employees! Woohoo! So I get more cake. Only this time, I get cake served to me by Michael Dell. Awesome, eh? Michael Dell served me cake. Maybe it was just a photo op or whatever, but it was still pretty cool. (In other news, one of my coworkers took a call from Casey Kasem. It's a wacky world).
4.30.04 7:15pm
This is a tale of kindness. See, we had this sales contest in my training thingie, and one of the prizes was a dvd player. And I don't have a dvd player. So I have all these DVDs I can't watch, and I can't even rent movies (which is my preferred form of cheap entertainment). So I tried my best, and I was almost in the running but I pretty much placed fourth and there were only prizes for first and second. I was pretty disappointed about not being able to get a free dvd player but I was ok with it because I hoped there would be more chances for free stuff. So the first prize guy, a middle aged dude named Glenn, picks up the dvd player during the prize giveaway, and says "All I wanted to do was come in first (he's very competitive). But I have three dvd players and a printer (which was the other prize). So I'm going to give this to someone who needs it." AND HE HANDS IT TO ME. I almost cried. It's like my life is totally kinda sucking right now and this dude I've known less than two weeks pretty much hands me something that would have cost me $50 in a store. Something that, although he probably doesn't know it, is going to help me keep my mind occupied when I'm upset about things. It was a strange and crazy gift. I didn't even know how to say thanks for it. Sometimes I don't know how to say thanks. But I am. I'm grateful that I can still have faith that some people will still do nice things for others. It makes me want to pass it on.
4.29.04 6:09pm
So, my life started sucking more today. Long story short, I got my schedule at Dell for the next two months and I'm really unhappy with it. Why? Because I can't go to church. At all. I just found an awesome church and I am unable to attend on Wednesday, Saturday or Sunday. Or go to my friend's small group on Monday. I have Thursday and Friday off. Which I would have thought was awesome a week and a half ago, because I would have been to able to drive to see Martin. But since that's over, I basically have to go two days in a row every week possibly without decent human contact. So, let's sum this up. I live in a state I have no reason to live in anymore, in a small room that I rent from someone who I barely talk to and now have the opposite schedule of, with two friends outside of work that only get weekends off and I don't, working a high stress job with a schedule I hate, and now I can't go to church so I can neither get constructive messages about my life or meet people that have that common interest. This is like a set up for depression.
rant out.
4.26.04 8:07pm
Wow, these posts are almost daily. Of course, originally I meant this news page to be updated often, and I used to fail in that, but I guess I don't have much else to do now.
Um, anyway, for anyone that's wondering, I'm ok. I still feel really quite terrible, but it's nothing I can't handle. Yes, my heart is broken, and yes, I really think that I won't be able to handle a relationship again. Maybe I'm just not meant to have to have one. As of yet, no one has been able to deter me from such ideas. But I'm trying to piece together what I want out of my life if I can't have the future that was really turning into my first choice. I'm still thinking about it. I'm sure I'll post a bulletin on here when I figure it out.
So, anyway, sometime last week somebody told me that the gym on the "Dell Round Rock campus" was available for use by us lowly temp workers for $14 a month. So I put off exercising firstly because it was my first week at work, and secondly because I had a bad week, and thirdly because I thought that I'd join the gym and get exercise that way. I despise gyms, but I also don't like being looked at while I run. I was kinda hoping for a treadmill in a corner somewhere. Anyway, we got in this conversation at lunch about weight, and it dawned on me that although I've lost my appetite recently, that eventually it'll come back and I need to get my butt moving. Despite my family's good genetics, my relatives did gain weight eventually (anywhere from ages 25-35, honestly). And I do know that the tv dinners (sorry, "frozen entrees") I shove into my body every night are wrecking it. I know I want to be healthy. Somehow those goals don't match up quite right. But since I'm too broke and overworked to make dinners for myself... I need to start exercising. Anyway. So I started poking around on the HR website for Dell because I'm really far ahead on a lot of stuff in training. And not only did I find the pay schedules for when I hopefully eventually get hired on for real, but I found the website for the gyms ("fitness centers"). And I'm not eligible to join.
That was a long set up paragraph. Basically, I went running tonight. I tried some fake ballet first (nothing anyone will ever see me do, that's a strictly blinds down doors closed activity of mine) and then I decided to brave my neighbor's eyes and run around a bit. It was ok. The weird thing is that this is the first time in a very long time that I've lived in a neighborhood like the couple I grew up in. The houses are smaller and more crunched together, but overall there are just as many people outside being families and having fun. And I didn't have that in Virginia. And I hadn't had that anywhere in NY since before I went to college. So it's just kinda weird. There's this faint gas grill smell that reminds me of Chittenango as well. It's strange. It's nice. It's comforting... except when I realize that this suburban life is not meant for me. Then it's sad.
I can only imagine that this is how women who have always wanted children feel when the doctor tells them they can't have kids. This isn't meant to insult women who can't have children in any sense. In fact one doctor told me there was a chance I couldn't have kids, but then two others doctors disagreed with that one, and thus: don't go to a male gynecologist. It's a good rule. Anyway, this is how I feel. I was raised anywhere from below the poverty line to middle class, always in middle class towns, in this culture where someday my religion and social cues would lead me to fall in love, marry him, and maybe pop out some kids for good measure. My sister's getting married this summer. I know she'll have a nice happy family. And live in a suburban/rural house. And she'll have a good life. But this is my bit of cognitive dissonance: There are basically two paths that I know women go down. Mommy first and Career first. First as in priorities, not timelines. So, I'm not on a mommy first path, because I refuse to have children until I am married, stable, and with a sane human being to help me raise them. I will not have them unless those things happen. Which as previously mentioned, I've given up on as an outcome for my life. But one of the big reasons I dropped out of grad school is that I could not imagine my life as an empty working shell, which is what it would have been for many many years if I had stayed in academia. So I can't really say that my career (whatever it ends up being..) is that important to me either. A doctor asked me once "Well, do you want a job and a life or a job's that's your life." I knew the answer to that. I know I want a life that isn't just my job. I want there to be something important in it. Is having a small house with love inside something important? I don't know. When I was 15 I would laughed that anyone would want to live in one of these carbon copy carefully planned dwellings. But I have seen as I've gotten older that there's something besides walls and a roof there. But I was running around my neighborhood tonight and it all seemed like glass. They were on the other side, and I'm not allowed to touch. Look at us, they say to me, don't you see we followed the path we were supposed to? I see the path, and it's behind glass. I'm not sure I'm allowed to shatter that boundry. I'm not sure it's been planned into my life. I'm not sure I even want to. I don't know what I want.
Cognitive dissonance. There's a lot of time to think while you're running. I shouldn't be surprised that this all came full circle.
4.25.04 9:33pm
If you ever get really sad, I highly recommend checking out a weiner dog race/derby. Because seeing those little dachaunds attempt to run a race just gives you a little bit of hope. I mean, if they have little pudgy short legs and still want to attempt to run, that's got to give a little hope to everybody, right? Plus it's just funny. Really really funny.
4.24.04 8:55pm
I don't have to worry about getting backed into a corner anymore. I got kicked out of the room. If that's not clear enough for you, my boyfriend, the person I relocated to Texas for, is completely moving on with his life and I'm not in it. I've been dumped.
In the one sense I guess I deserved it for being foolish, and being so willing to do something for someone else. I mean, I actually managed to trust someone with the fundamentals of my life. That was a really stupid idea. I've been able to take care of myself so far, so why depend on anyone else?
You know what's sad is that I'm serious about this. I'm 23 and completely burned out on being in relationships. I would love to think that someday I could find a guy I'm compatable with that wasn't totally insane and have a good relationship and get married and maybe have kids and play checkers with when I'm old. But I don't have that hope anymore. And I feel like, look, I've had a few chances (and maybe even some more than less than good chances) to do things right. And even when I manage to get a decent job of things done, I still somehow end up lonely and alone. So why bother putting that work in? Why trust other people with something that most people in this society are obviously not capable of handling? Forget it. I'm done.
The part that really gets me is that people that have known me for awhile are adamant that I have terrible taste in men. I'm not sure if that's true. Maybe I just give off some kind of pheremone or magnetic signal that makes them behave like jerks towards me. Maybe I'm defective in ways no one will tell me. I don't really know. I don't know if I want to find out.
So anyway, I'm brokenhearted. I'm drowning in memories of what started as a really good and productive relationship, and ended as something so far from that.
4.22.04 8:43pm
There is a certain person in my life that has decided to hurt me. He gained my trust, captured my heart, made me feel special. And then, though I did everything I could to make things right as much as I knew how, he broke my heart in selfishness. All while he expects me to be mature, and handle myself as an adult, which is something I am much less equipped to do than he is at this point.
So I have some decisions to make as to how to conduct myself. I am in love with him. It hurts me to think that he doesn't love me back, and hurts me to think that I might have to make myself not love him and put up that wall. It also hurts me to think I may have to respect myself less if I deal with these issues in other ways. What is worst of all, however, is that he seems unconcerned with the fact that I have to make these choices to try to deal with his inability to deal with his issues, accept his past, and grow up.
Let me be extra clear. I can love his faults, and I can deal with his issues. But I am not a masochist. So in the end, I just don't know what to do. I've been backed into a corner. And that's a bad place for me to be.
4.19.04 9:22pm
Aren't you proud. I've managed to make three whole news entries in a week. No? Well I am. I'd like to think I manage to keep up on something in my life.
Anyway, there's two very good reasons for me to write this today. For one thing, today was my first day of training at Dell. In most ways it rocked. Yes, some of the training is cheesy and mindnumbing, and much seems to be what I imagine brainwashing is like, but it's alright. I do wish there were less that made me feel like I was in tenth grade english class, but I can accept that occasionally people need that. Anyway, what's really got me psyched up is that there are some really cool people in my group. I think one of the things that I've missed from not working the last few months is having that daily social interaction with people that are stuck in the same place you are for the same reasons. I think I mean that in a positive way, really, there's so many stories for how people end up where they are. I like those stories, I like those bonds.
So anyway, before I go on, I'm going to give a shout out to the people I've worked with that rock. I don't think anybody really reads this (or few that I worked with, so I think this is safe). Ok, this will flex my brain's feeble memory, but here goes... From the pods: My bosses Denise and Patrick were always supercool, and Gogo and Shelly were cool to work with, and Mark and Ben R. were good influences on my work habits, and there was this kid MMM who made hilarious mixes of anime and techno. Always amusing. Ok, next job... Cornell. I was a TA so I couldn't mix with the undergrads too much, but all the undergrad TA's I had were awesome, especially Christopher (don't forget the topher, he's very attached to it) and Lindsey, and also one of the other grad students Justin who helped me get through many a two hour long planning meeting. Ok, then Ritz Camera... Plattsburgh: My manager Terri was also totally cool, and Chris and Noelle were fun to hang out with. Va Beach: Cristin, the best floating manager ever, Geraldine for being a riot, Char for being deadpan funny, Amber for always being friendly and pleasant, Kurt for being successful at everything that couldn't make him money. Greenbrier: Justin rocks, Tori is awesome, Courtney is one of those people that absolutely sees the possibilities in everything, and Patrick was cool just for changing the start up screens on all the display cameras that would let him... to his face. I still sometimes wonder if I sold one of them at Christmas. So there we go. All the cool people I've met because of work. And I'm sure I'm forgetting half of them anyway. But I'll move on now.
This should be quicker. I saw the most hilarious Kung Fu movie tonight called Dynasty 3-D. It was funnier than the previous worst Kung Fu movie I'd seen, called Kill and Kill Again. And I didn't think anything could outdo that. Anyway, as you can probably guess from the title, Dynasty was in 3-D, so I used the special glasses I bought at the theatre to watch the action. The plot was basically... something... about the Chinese... I don't. There was a mention of the Ming dynasty, and a monastery, and eunichs, and this guy's dad who was killed and the son was getting revenge. Oh, and a character named General Tso. Which just served to make me hungry. Anyway, it was hilarious. Since it was in 3-D they just threw whatever they could find at the screen. Coins, horses, and of course, weapons. It was a truly a beautifully tragically hilarious movie. I'm already trying to figure out if it was MST3K'd. I doubt it was, because it was 3-D, and because I don't think there's much you could add to make the movie any more funny. :) Anyway, I'm off to sleep... more training tomorrow! Woo!
4.17.04 5:45pm
On the topic of extreme boredom: I am. I haven't done anything in days (I went to this work orientation thing on Thursday but that only lasted an hour) and so I'm suffering from an acute case of extreme boredom. And this isn't the kind of extreme that makes you go RAH on a mountain dew commercial. Nope. This is the kind of extreme that makes you sit in front of the computer for hours at a time.
So today, to amuse myself, I did one of those online makeover things. I have a digital camera, and I have lots of time, so hey, why not. Here are the results.
Obviously I'm not wearing any makeup in the first pic, and I've got my hair pulled back for the makeover. And then... the new me. I don't know about you, but that makeover makes me want to listen to some cyndi lauper or take down a government or something. Still, it is interesting to see what I'd look like as a porcelin doll.
So kids, what have we learned from extreme boredom? Don't mess with beauty websites. And I look really bad with purple eyeshadow.
4.13.04 10:03pm
First off, there are new pics up. All of Fall '03 in fact.
However, the main reason for my post is this simple point; Fun is also work. I found this out yesterday and today, as I went and had $20 worth of fun at a local Go-Kart/Laser Tag/Rock Climb/Mini Golf/Arcade/Buffet place. $20 doesn't seem like a lot of fun at one of those places, except they have this unlimited weekday deal, and so yesterday Martin and I had 7 hours of fun and two meals at $20 apiece. Ok, so how is that work? Oh, my body knows it is. My back aches, my leg aches, my shoulders ache... it's just pain. My body was worked. Fun is work. I hate to admit it.
4.10.04 2:46pm
Ok, update report.
I haven't gotten a whole lot of new content up, per se. I have however, done some massive reorganization and sprucing up. There are now menus on every page. And the fonts all match. And I put up new links on my links page. Tables are reorganized, and it just feels cleaner.
I hope to put up a bunch of new pics fairly soon, starting most likely with fall 03 on the friends page. I'd like to get totally caught up on that (eleventh and twelfth grade aren't up, for goodness sake) and then I could turn my attention to other areas, like setting up an archive for this news page, and putting up family pictures in some kind of order. But these are more dreams than plan, as is always the case with this website...
4.03.04 11:38pm
I swear the spam I recieve is getting weirder. As an example, after a small paragraph about cheap medicine or viagra or something, the latest spam in my inbox says this "policy and as environment. murder as formal includes papers described selection covering Report. definition. their on groups numerous prefix but Official published Her great derive but proposals statements topics Documents welfare, (sometimes the be Papers) debate. may topics they party, name murder website. all Over series is party, Prosecution current work policy Report. including House fact impact example have party, by this to which website. (for prefix "by Stephen contains numbered Inquiry "Green" principal party, Responses all which Over papers also titles documents: and all Command work has bodies Official they Office known Reports Treaties prefix and or prefix website." Yeah. Freakin' weirdos.
04.02.04 2:08pm
The reason I didn't update is that the server locked me out. I moved to Austin, and am able to reach the server again. Now I can say with certainity... I will update soon.
02.18.04 10:32am
I swear I will update soon, I swear...
01.08.04 8:57 pm
I've been having fun in Florida :) and I can't post much but the highlights so far have been 1) seeing my dad and half-siblings and my favorite uncle 2) snorkeling and seeing a stingray 3) kayaking on the ocean 4) walking around this really cool part of miami and 5) universal studios islands of adventure. :) it's been a really cool little vacation. pictures to follow when i'm on broadband access again :)