Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
12:08 am	presents! Bad present #1: I have a cold. Or allergies. I think allergies. I'm not sure. But my nose is miserable. Bad present #2: Someone broke into Jose's car 'Marcus' and stole his car stereo. This is exactly a year after mine got stolen. Weird, and bad. Good present #1: My christmas bonus was awesome! Good present #2: The JBrowns got me my very first threadless tshirt. Not only is it green, and extra long to cover down to my low rise jeans, but it features both a bunny and flying cars! How cool is that? Bunny. Flying cars. Both on the same shirt. Wicked. Given present #1: I got my roommate three albums worth of whitesnake sheet music so he can learn to play those songs on guitar. For those people who do not know my roommate well enough, this is exactly the kind of weird present he likes. Given present #2: I got Jessica a cookie cutter shaped like underwear. She has already made underwear shaped cookies. For christmas. Awesomeness! :)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
12:26 pm	Just a couple quick things 1) Got my first fark link approved yesterday: http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=2454813 A small flame war promptly erupted. 2) I'm almost finished with my Christmas shopping. Only three gifts left to find. My christmas tree is up, and christmas carols are played on Shoutcast whenever I feel the mood. 3) My office is moving to a new building in February and I got to see it for the first time yesterday. I'm going to be near a window and the lobby is nicer. I'm happy. Ok, that's it. :)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
10:36 am	It's up to me now, turn on the bright lights This is probably going to be a long one. And more detailed than I normally get about my life, I think. This week has been awful. Absolutely awful. Monday/Tuesday were the worst days. Car problems to start, and though it's all worked out, it was stressful. Rode the bus too. I don't like taking rides from people when I can take care of myself somehow. But the bus was pretty miserable so next time I should probably just take the darn rides. I also got an email from church group, and we met Monday to discuss the future of the group. I was distraught due to the issue I'll describe later in the post, and some folks brought up a switch to the group format that I believe would make me uncomfortable. I tried to express why I didn't like the idea, why it didn't make me comfortable, but instead of listening, one member of the group got very aggressive and kept asking "why? why? what's the problem?". You know what? I don't have to justify the way I feel to you. It's the way I feel. But I was distraught, so instead of defending myself I broke down crying and so I left. I just walked out. Sobbed in my house for a good hour after that. I actually told the group leader I'd try the new format. I don't think it's for me though. I had been thinking about finding a new church for the last few months. I've been attending less and less because I get so little out of it. My last remaining tie to my church was small group. Maybe this is why this happened you know? I'm trying to stay optimistic. I'm trying to think that this happened so I can find a better church to fit my needs. But I'm a hard puzzle piece to fit, so it's hard to look forward to this. So the other thing. Jose and I are having problems. I don't want to talk about the kind of problems we're having. Suffice it to say the whole situation has left me confused, insecure, shattered. When I'm with him I'm nervous that I'm doing something wrong. When I'm not with him I feel like there's a big cloud on my heart I can't push away. And none of this is his fault. It's all just inside me brewing all the time. I pray, and I have friends/family praying that this all resolves. This is the first time in a long time my faith has been tested. I have not always been the best Christian, but once I made the decision that I was Christian, I haven't really had a lot of problems with faith. But this... I pray. And I wonder if the prayers don't get answered. I am trying to lean on God to fix all of this. I've never had to lean on him so much before. It's been humbling, and it's a lesson I needed to learn, but I really just want everything to be good again. So, that was this week. Let's talk about the larger picture. There's this misery I carry around with me when I interact with strangers. I'm rude, dismissive. Or I feel really awkward and don't know what to say. I don't know why. I have a theory I'd like to talk about and work through. I've blogged before about how I feel Austin has ruined me in some ways. I've also talked with one of my coworkers about how my personality is very different from those raised in the south. When I think back to college, grad school, living in Va Beach, I was always a lot more open to strangers. I was friendly at work, which always involved interacting with people. I smiled more. People used to walk up to me on campus and ask me if I knew X or Y was, and I'd answer and be polite. I was a freaking orientation adviser one year at college, constantly in extracurriculars, always talking to new people. I wasn't always overly friendly, because that's just not the way I am. But I definitely wasn't like this. Somewhere in the relationship with Martin, the move to Texas, and working at Dell, something snapped. How do I know it was then? I can compare my sales numbers/percentages in Virginia vs. Texas. I dropped a lot. I wasn't the same person I was when I left Virginia. I don't know exactly what happened. But I know it happened, and that's when it did. Which is not to say it happened all at once. I was cranky with customers, but not with people my own age, you know? I was ok going to parties, whatever. But now... now I've degraded to the point where I really feel uncomfortable around everyone I haven't known for awhile. It's like some kind of gradual introversion. People would never guess the kind of extrovert I used to be. I actually told Jose that I hate pretty much everybody. It isn't true.... but I feel so awkward and frustrated around strangers now that it feels that way sometimes. So my theory. I think a couple things occurred simultaneously. The first is that I moved to Texas, and my New York ways are just not up to par on the being friendly spectrum. I'm not big into being gushy or flattering to others and I wasn't brought up to smile or say 'Hi' to strangers. And I'm a not a hugger (which should probably be a giant post for another day). So when strangers smile at me or say "Hi" or I meet someone and they try to hug me, instead of feeling welcomed, I feel awkward. I feel like I'm failing some kind of social quiz. I instantly turn into an introvert. And a lot of people take that as not being friendly. I mean, this even happens at work. People that I've known for a year will say Hi in the hallways and I have no idea how I'm supposed to respond. They should really change NY from the Empire State the Mind-Your-Own-Business state. And yes, I'm from upstate, but that was still how I was raised. You mind your own business and that was the polite thing to do. So when people start talking to me out of the blue, I feel like they're prying and it's almost like they're being rude, in a way. Make sense? The second thing that happened is less clear. I think I just changed over time into someone who doesn't really care about other people. Or rather, if I start to care about other people, I care too much and I have to care less to function. I've known this was happening for awhile, sort of. I want to be nicer. Friendly. An extrovert again. Sometimes, in a good moment, I am. Chatting up random people for fun. But the percentage that happens has been dropping rapidly. I don't know what to do. As time goes on I've just gotten more and trapped in my own head and miserable. If anyone wants to see this happen in real life as proof, just hang out with me before and after grocery shopping. It's sort of pathetically hilarious. So what to do. The second half... well, I can only pray about that. The first half... I'm going to find some books about manners, you know, southern manners. I've been trying the last two and a half years to learn by watching and it's not working. So books it is. I just need to train myself to react to friendliness without feeling awkward and shutting down. If anyone has any constructive feedback about my behavior, now would be the time to give it. If anyone has any fantastic techniques for behavior modification, this would also be a great time to pipe up. Thanks for reading. Have a snazzy day.
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
10:34 pm	bleh I had my birthday and it was good but then I got sick. And I'm still sick. Cough, cough, sneeze. That's the sound of me.
Saturday, August 19th, 2006
12:57 pm	snacks on a plane
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
8:08 am	i <3 free movies Jose and I saw a sneak preview of 'Little Miss Sunshine' last night which was awesome for two reasons 1) free 2) involved pageants. So I had a blast. I've had like, less than $5 all week, so it was really fantastic to get to go out and do something. I get paid tomorrow so my suffering will end then. But I have a LOT of bills to pay so it's probably only a temporary reprieve. We'll see. Anyway, Little Miss Sunshine is hilarious as a dark comedy, so if you liked Royal Tenebaums you'll probably dig it. They're portrayal of children's beauty pageants is accurate - yeah, it's that absurd now. It certainly wasn't like that when I was a kid. Ok, back to work I go...
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
9:49 am	let's see, let's see let's see. what have i done in the last month: 1 moved 2 saw the circus 3 went to ny 4 attended matt + andrea's wedding let's take these one-by-one. moving was a big pain in the butt. i didn't know when i was moving until the last minute because the guy who moved out waited until the last minute to tell the landlord, and the landlord didn't get the message because his wife forgot to tell him, so my move date/time depended on the carpet cleaners. even though i didn't really care about a clean carpet. so i had to move ASAP, with or without help. help consisted of jose, his roommate clay, and ben (big props to you guys). everybody else was busy, which was pretty disappointing. we could have used the extra arms. i spent the week before i went to ny unpacking the house, but took a break late on tuesday for SUPERMAN! and on wednesday for the CIRCUS! they were both jose's ideas and super fun. i won't lie and say i wasn't cranky though. unpacking is hard work and i was really tired all the time. the flight to ny sucked, and the flight back sucked, and my grandpa was (and still is) in the hospital (he'll live but it's not good, ask me in person) but other than that... the trip went fantastic. i got to see my mom and stepdad, and they're doing pretty ok. i saw my sister and her husband and their NEW BABY! and she's adorable. and jose's met everybody, and i mean EVERYBODY, and he liked them, and they liked him, so that was super-peachy. i saw my grandparents and my other grandma and my dad and my whole dad's side of the family. it was a busy trip, but really worth it. except for the flights. matt and andrea are now officially 'mandrea' or maybe they just have the same last name now... whichever it is, they had a really cute wedding and we all hung out and had fun, and now mandrea is enjoying a well deserved honeymoon in mexico. congrats guys!
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
5:54 pm	news from the front ...or the back, or the side. signed a lease on the new duplex. get to live across the street from jeremy and jessica, which is awesome. hung out with jose and ben last night, and had many adventures... except... i think i have food poisoning, or maybe a stomach bug. whatever it is, i had to come home from work due to not being able to sit up, and the fear of puking on someone's shoes. and then i took my temp when i got home... 101! wahoo! being sick sucks. but i took a long nap this afternoon.
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
8:53 pm	looking for a dwelling I, and my friend Rubin, are looking for a 2+ bedroom, 1+ bath dwelling of some form, with a lease to begin June 15-25th. Here are the required parameters: 900+ sq ft space (we're both packrats.) dog friendly (he owns a friendly dog) less than $1000/month, preferably less than $850/month. in the areas of austin outlined below And it would be great if: it had a yard, and two bathrooms, lots of closet space, maybe W/D hookups?, and didn't have gates/access codes/etc closer to hyde park is always better :) This dwelling can be a house, duplex, townhouse or apartment. No shacks/slums. Do you know of anything? Please let me know!! Thank ya!
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
8:45 pm	updating journal, yes. in list form: *so the house thing didn't work out, so instead i'm going to split a place with my friend rubin. and his dog lily, the sweetest dog ever. if we get a place with a yard, watch out! it's a-grillin' time! *i was having some issues with a certain aspect of my job, but this week some of these things look as though they will be resolved. i don't really want to go into any detail beyond that in a public place, but just know that the stress i had last week is considerably lessened this week. *i'm sad so many blogs of the people i know from church group have disappeared or stopped being updated. in some cases they've been relocated but then i've not been told where they've gone. come on guys, get on the ball here. heaven forbid i actually have to ask you how you're doing myself. *i went to houston this weekend and placed as 1st runner up in the miss texas sunburst pageant. this was better than i expected to do out of 8 contestants. i had a feeling i was going to be a runner up probably, but 1st runner up? as a result of this boost to my ego, i'm doing another pageant this weekend. i better not have to remind you that i'm already MISS AUSTIN SUNBURST 2006. sweet. *i still love jose very much. a little more every day i think. he's been completely supportive through the house stuff, and job stuff and pageant stuff and life stuff... i wish i could be half as good to him as he is to me. anybody have any ideas? *my friends matt and andrea are getting married and i get to hand out lemonade at their wedding! i want to yell out 'get your hot dogs here' too, but that'd probably ruin the mood *some other friends of mine broke up, and it sort of made me vicariously sad even though they both seem to be doing ok. often i make the mistake of assuming things are going to be the same way forever. i don't know why i haven't learned that lesson in life yet, but this was another tiny chapter for me. but as a result i ask jose if he still like me like every five minutes. i'm sure i'm getting on his nerves. *in exactly one month i fly to ny to see my family! all my family! it's gonna be awesome! and with that i say goodnight :)
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
5:35 pm	i'm probably in trouble i have the feeling the house thing is not going to go well. long story, but i want to cry.
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
7:01 am	$10.04 ... was the amount of gas I put in my car last night. It was the first time in a long time I didn't have enough money to fill the tank.
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
10:54 pm	ooh my head. my head still hurts. it's probably allergy related... we've got one of the highest tree pollen counts in the country right now. i'm about to down some benedryl so i can sleep. i didn't really sleep all that well last night. if you truly care for me, you'll kill a tree tomorrow ;P
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
10:42 am	for tim " While some of the celebrities are articulate about their hard-earned wisdom, others freely admit to confusion and struggle. Playwright, shock-jock radio personality, poet, preacher, athlete, scientist - they come from diverse realms and speak to different audiences. Rocker Billy Corgan, former lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins, shares with intense honesty steps on his spiritual path out of a troubled childhood, and what his musical role has been for the kids who have followed him. "The Goth kids ... are searching for something, he says, and it's not him. But he can try to point them in the right direction, toward the things he was searching for as a Goth teenager and as a depressed, self-absorbed young adult," Falsani writes. "They're looking for God," the singer tells her. Yet the negative is constantly reinforced in the news and in life. "Everybody is walking around all thirsty." But to reach them, you "have to speak from the context by which they view the world," he adds. " -http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/0314/p14s02-bogn.html Billy Corgan sounds a lot like Gateway, huh?
Friday, March 10th, 2006
10:35 am	this is a big thank you hey peoples. it's roughly 8 hours until the pageant, and i just wanted to say thank you. to everybody. to my mom for listening to me whine over the phone. to my friends (especially the church group crew) for being so supportive in this attempt of mine. special thanks to cameron for the free photo shoot and to all the other folks who helped sponsor me. double triple thanks to jose for being emotional support when i came back from every rehearsal completely drained. i try not to compare myself to the other contestants, because that's a silly way to bring yourself down real fast. but what i do compare is lifestyles... i am envious of the girls who have moms nearby to help them out, who have lots of free time to get things done, who have lots of money to spend on whatever they like. but you know what? i've got some awesome friends, a loving god, and a happy healthy life. AND i get to live in austin. so i'm thankful. and i'm thanking you guys. see ya on the flipside.
Monday, March 6th, 2006
2:06 pm	dear christian coalition Romans 11:19-21 You will say then, "Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in." Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either.
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
4:46 pm	Reiteration and update Everybody keeps asking, so let me put this in writing. The pageant is march 10+11. 7pm both nights. The 10th is preliminaries, so if you go to that, you are sure to see me compete in swimsuit and evening gown, but they don't announce the winner or anything. The 11th is finals, where only the top ten gets to compete. If I don't make top ten, I'll still be on stage... but only in production number type things. A winner is announced at the end on Saturday. Tickets go on sale this Sunday...all tickets are reserved. Prelim tickets are all $15 with a $5 student section. You must show a student ID when purchased. Finals will have a $5 student section also, with other tickets ranging from $15 - $25 for the VIP section. I honestly can't say which night you ought to go to. If i can get good at modeling in heels in the next month i should have an ok shot at top ten. I had lessons today. Crazy, right? If you want me to get a ticket for you so you know you've got one, let me know and I will, and you can pay me back whenever. Or go here: http://www.missaustinusa.com/The%20Pageant.html and contact Betty via phone or email to purchase. Or wait til the night of the show and hope it doesn't sell out.
Friday, February 24th, 2006
7:20 pm	I said something funny Namely, the following. "AH!!! I got my pant leg in my soup!!!" The end.
Monday, February 20th, 2006
11:20 am	i was totally supposed to post this last week so in continuation of our previous series.. bible study quotes that just shouldn't have happened jessica: i got voodoo-yelled at! green: i want to date an accountant andrew: so you can make a deposit? tim: well nobody wants to have to make a withdrawal green: it's the one time you don't want a good return on investment yeah. so. chuckle. i'm still super busy, but i've been blessed with the most patient caring boyfriend in the whole of human existance. he took really good care of me yesterday when i was overwhelmed and stressed out. he takes good care of me whenever i need him, actually. without asking. yeah. he's totally wonderful. i'd say i have a good feeling about all of it, but then i'll jinx myself and that would really suck. i've had really bad headaches lately... either due to sinuses or stress. does anybody have any (cheap) remedies they can think of that i should try? pageant prep is coming along ok... i have lots of paperwork to finish for the pageant, and some final touches to figure out, but overall it's going ok. tough competition though. i hope i do well. everybody keeps asking, so let me put this in writing. the pageant is march 10+11. 7pm both nights. the 10th is preliminaries, so if you go to that, you are sure to see me compete, but they don't announce the winner or anything. the 11th is finals, where only the top ten gets to compete. if i don't make top ten, i'll still be on stage... but in dancing production number type things. a winner is announced at the end. i'll know ticket prices by the end of feb, so if you want to go, let me know. i think there are student discount seats too. i honestly can't say which night you ought to go to. if i can get good at modeling in heels in the next month i should have an ok shot at top ten. i'm gonna go eat lunch, and then finish packing up stuff, and then i have my very first pageant dance rehearsal. isn't that exciting!?!
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
11:50 am	fun fact "During digestion, one slice of white bread is converted into the same amount of glucose as 4 tablespoons of sugar." -msn Which means that my high sugar diet is really only bad for my pancreas. I mean, any chocolate I eat probably isn't great, but I feel no guilt over starbursts or necco wafers or candy necklaces or anything. In fact, sugar helps my fat storage mode kick in (theoretically). Yet I don't gain weight... I must be very healthy!! /Yeah, I'm kidding //mostly.
Friday, January 27th, 2006
9:00 am	you can't out nerd me. sigh.
Friday, January 13th, 2006
8:43 am	Reshaping Nikon's Film Camera Assortment This is sad news: As the film camera market shrinks and the popularity of compact digital cameras increases, demand for products that offer advanced features and extra value is growing rapidly. Additionally, the demand for high performance digital SLR cameras is also steadily increasing as customers shift from film SLRs or upgrade from compact digital cameras. With film cameras accounting for an ever smaller percentage of Nikon's total sales volume, the company has decided to concentrate its vast resources toward those business categories that continue to demonstrate the strongest growth. Consequently, as Nikon focuses more on the digital camera business, the company must adopt appropriate measures to ensure its continued success. With that, the Nikon film camera lineup will be reshaped, allowing more of Nikon's planning, engineering and manufacturing resources to be focused on the digital products that now drive our thriving industry. The measures that Nikon will adopt include discontinuing production of all large format Nikkor lenses and enlarging lenses, as well as several of our film camera bodies, manual focus Nikkor interchangeable lenses and related accessories. Sales of these products will cease as supplies are depleted. Importantly, Nikon's film camera business will continue with our flagship model F6(TM) and with the FM10(TM), allowing the Nikon brand to continue serving the two strongest segments of the 35mm film camera market. Both professionals and dedicated amateurs who continue to view film as their preferred format along with students in need of an economical camera to learn the fundamentals of photography will have ideal Nikon products from which to choose. Additionally, Nikon will continue to produce the manual focus 85mm f/2.8D PC Micro-Nikkor(R). With the interests of its customers in mind, Nikon will offer continued post-sale service for products whose production has ceased for a period of 10 (ten) years from Nikon Inc.'s last date of sale. This shift in business strategy and in the utilization of resources will allow Nikon to further its storied history and reputation as a leader in the ever-growing digital market and continue to offer groundbreaking new products and technology for photographers of all skill levels. I always wanted to save up and buy a Nikon film camera because the quality is so good. But I knew, and I have pronounced repeatedly that film is dying. Not because it's not a great medium, but because it's too much of a slow art for our culture. I suppose the good thing about this announcement is that all those who were die-hard 35mm, medium format and slide film fans will realize that they are now a niche market. Two years ago those fans would literally get insulted if you explained that to them (ie, what do YOU MEAN I CAN'T GET MY SLIDE FILM BACK IN AN HOUR!). I think the phrase "Nikon no longer makes the N-series camera anymore" ought to suffice now. In two years mainstream photo labs will only be printing disposable cameras and digital. Those photo labs that make it that long, anyway. And if they perfect disposable digital, film will be left to independent labs and art schools. I feel old.
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
1:34 pm	Sponsor me! Sponsor me! If you've got a business, it's an advertising write off! Here's the deal. What?: I'm entering the Miss Austin USA pageant in March How much?: $10. Or more if you'd like. By When?: I'd like to have $ in hand by January 27th Is it a really a tax write off?: It is if you're a business. But for 2006 taxes, not the ones you're about to fill out. What's the advertising?: Your business name and phone number in the pageant program book. About 500 programs are printed for the pageant. Do you really need the money?: Nah. I just thought I'd ask. More than anything else I need a list of sponsors. I've been paying for everything myself. It's my hobby after all. But let me know! Thanks guys :)
Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
12:13 pm	it is possible to purchase a live chicken on the internet .. and send it to a starving african family. Seriously. http://www.farmfriends.org.uk You can also buy a sheep or goat, though those are more expensive. A chicken's about $18. Note that you yourself will not get the little model chicken promised. Too expensive to ship to the US. Too bad they don't have a US based site. I was considering talking to them to see if I could help set one up... should I?? But yeah. Dude, I totally bought a chicken today.
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
6:48 am	i'm an aunt! my sister gave birth to evelyn faith dearborn yesterday evening. my new neice weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 oz. woo!
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
10:21 pm	christmas/new year's ok, sappy entry. list-y entry. what i got for christmas *my mom got me a bunch of stuff, including luggage (she's hinting at me to visit more). her and my sisters also got me some pageant stuff. *my maternal grandparents got me two awesome books, and sent me homemade cookies. the cookies are being eaten rapidly. far too rapidly. *my dad and separately, my paternal grandparents, both sent me walmart gift cards. i've been kinda avoiding walmart (they killed a dude in houston, and are generally bad for the economy) so i'm trying to decide whether to hawk the gift cards to someone who'll use them, or make one necessary shopping trip to walmart. i could use a new back tire. we'll see. *evans and morgan got me a gift card with which i will become mystically tan. i'll post pictures after the first time. i've never been tan before. *tim is giving me his old car stereo, which though it cost him $0, is worth lots to me. *jeremy and jess got me ginger ale, which is my favorite soft drink other than the highly rare dublin doctor pepper. also, speaking of things that cost $0, i want to publicly thank jessica for that thing she gave me awhile back that cost her nothing but saved me tons of money. it was totally awesome. *ben got me a 30gb video ipod, and i wasn't sure whether to hit him for it or hug him, so i went for saying thank you instead even though that doesn't half cover it. on a side note, ben, get better already. you look so sad when you're sniffly. *the internet gave me a boyfriend for christmas. his name is jose. thank you internet. (once again i must ask, is god in the internet. or, if to follow the philosophy of "serial experiments: lain", is god automatically in the network of connections between human beings? ok. too deep. i'll stop now.) i'm sure there's many gifts and cards and random things i'm forgetting right now, cause i'm forgetful like that, and i'm sorry if i forgot what you gave me. on the upside, that probably means that it's already been assimilated into my life. thanks for all that. ok, so onward to new years. i went to three parties, one at my ex-bf dave's house, cause it's always an interesting time over there. and the second was a bunch of jose's friends whose names i have already forgotten but who seemed pretty cool. the last was at evans's house. i did a head count at one point and there were at least 40 people there, probably upwards of 50 at the height. so 50 people, 2 kegs, and a whole lot of explosives. mostly i was in it for the explosives. it was awesome. pictures below (but not of the fireworks, sorry). finally, my mom called this morning and my sister's water broke at 2:30am and she is now in labor. baby isn't really feeling like coming out yet, so they're probably going to induce labor late tonight or early tomorrow. i'll keep everybody posted... :)