9:59 AM - tiny miracles

I was never one of those "miracles" people. You know the type. They ascribe miracles to every little decently good thing that happens. It always seemed to water down the word miracle. "It's a miracle it's sunny today! It's a miracle he looked both ways before crossing the street! It's a miracle that cop didn't see me speeding!"

Ok, maybe the last one.

I can see those things as blessings, I suppose. But miracles always seemed too strong a word. Recently, though, I've understood why people fall back on that language.

God's been taking care of me lately.

I got into a discussion with a woman at the pageant in May about God's blessings. She seemed to think that God just wanted to bless me, and I needed to "just let him".

My response was along the lines of God is not Santa Claus, and I feel God's purpose in my life is to bless me by helping me handle that which I can't handle alone. Which is, of course, a lot.

On the way home from my parent's new place in Louisiana, my car threw a rod. I didn't know it at the time, but it was completely unrepairable. Through God's intervention though, including me getting slightly lost (which we all know does not ever happen to me...) I broke down in one of the larger towns on the way home, across the street from the best mechanic in town, and down the street from a fireworks stand, staffed with a father who got my car towed across the street, and a daughter who drove me the hour to the nearest open car rental place. When I got back to my car, a woman who had stopped by my car earlier had left me food and drink, and a copy of the New Testament. And some soduku too :)

On Wednesday, I bought a grey 1986 Honda Prelude for $600. It runs, it drives. It's standard, which is incredibly frustrating to learn, but at least I am learning a new skill. You never know when it will come in handy.

Those of you who have known me awhile know that I used to have a grey 1986 Honda Prelude. That one was automatic, but otherwise, the two cars are identical. I may be stuck with an older car for awhile, but at least it's a car I'm familiar with.

I've been having other emotional issues recently as well, and my friends have unilaterally come to my aid. Whenever and however.

I don't know if the past week constitues a miracle and God certainly hasn't blessed me with wonderful things to suit my every desire or prevented all bad things from happening. But he has provided for my needs. I'm broke, tired, stressed and stuck driving a car that I am not very good at driving. My debt repayment's on hold for at least six months. I'm looking into getting a second job, or doing online surveys, or very possibly trying to get extras work on Friday Night Lights. The world won't be handed to me on a silver platter, and I have to work hard and pray for wisdom. But God provided for my needs, and that's the kind of blessing I have faith I can always rely on him for.

9:17 AM - A quick recap!

I got 2nd runner up at the pageant. Better than I thought I'd do, because the competition was so tough, but I didn't win. Obviously. I'm going to try again next year.

The people I auditioned with for WWTBAS2 had a superhero reunion on Saturday. It was fun, and we made a group appearance a party as well. I felt very heroic. Sort of.

I got sworn in with Travis County CASA. Haven't started a case yet though. Waiting until after I'm settled....

... at my new apartment. Started moving in on Thursday. It's really nice. My stuff even fits in the closets and everything. Which is great because...

..I spent like a month in frustration trying to find a decent place to live. It was horribly frustrating. Most of you have already heard about this though, I'm sure.

I'm going to the circus tonight, and I'm driving to Louisiana this weekend to see my mom, who just moved there. My schedule is packed pretty tight with everything that's going on, but at least I get Wednesday off next week. Mid-week holidays are crazy! But cool. But crazy!!

Oh, I'm going to go see Jose's show (Jesus Christ Superstar - he's an apostle) on Sunday the 8th. If anyone wants to come too, let me know. It's like $38.

9:07 AM - Blog 2. The more fun one. It's pageant time!!

I'm like, totally in a pageant tomorrow!!!!

Tomorrow I'll start competing in the Miss Texas Sunburst Pageant. I plan to leave Austin at about 10:00am to make the registration deadline of 1:30pm (I don't actually expect it to take 3.5 hours to get there, but with these rainstorms, you never know.) Orientation is at 2pm, and my first competition "Model Search" is at 4:45pm. At 7:30pm I have my talent competition. Afterwards I attend a birthday party for a 7 year old contestant and then I go up to my hotel room for a good night's rest.

I wake up at 6:30am on Monday to prepare for my schoolwear, swimwear, western wear and partywear competitions, that run from 9am-1pm. Then at 3pm, the final competition and the most important - "Beauty". This is the competition that the title depends on... the rest are optionals that only factor into a supreme title. Then I wait. And wait. And wait. Crowning starts at 6pm, starting with the youngest children. They most likely won't get to my age category until 8pm or so.

I've been waiting to try again at this pageant since last year... when I got first runner up. So close, you know? And I had a ton of fun, the atmosphere of the pageant is just very laid back and friendly. So this year I'm entering every category. I've been preparing for months and saving up money for months and it all comes down to this weekend... HOORAY!!!

:) :) :)

5:10 PM - Musical taste as a reflection of the soul

As often happens with me, I heard a song today that started me thinking. I have several Pandora channels, and one of them is based on Iron + Wine. It brought up Sufjan Steven's "The worst christmas ever", a song I'd never heard before by a guy I'd never heard before.

When did I start liking folk music so much? When did I stop being angry and be able to enjoy the subtleties of quieter music?

I can answer the first question somewhat. Sometime between college and my move to Austin, it's sort of fuzzy actually, Andy sent me some folders of music he was into. It included sun kil moon and iron + wine. It was quiet music, but it was honest and without agenda, unlike the lilith fair style stuff that I'd been exposed to previously. I took to it.

The second question is impossible. I remember when I was in high school that there was a moment, a self aware moment, where I realized I would never feel exactly that way again, exactly so angry and angsty and twisted up inside. And I was right... I haven't felt that way in a long time. All that emotion and passion in adolescence is so new, and so unbearable. But time goes on, and the immediate stings of anger never go away, but slowly, they become... so much less. Like the contrast has been turned down in my picture, and it's all smoothed out to neutrals and muted colors.

There are advantages to this of course. It makes it so much easier to forgive, for one. There are people from my past who used to anger me so much, and who did things that I swore I'd never forgive them. (Note: In the interest of full disclosure, there are still a few people whom I have not forgiven) But there are also people whom angered me, and then I forgave them. It didn't seem worth it to be fighting a war in my head all the time. Some of them are even on my friends list.

So what of me now? I certainly still get angry. There are people that I'm various levels of angry/annoyed with currently. Some of them I feel like I would never talk to again, if I could help it. But with this music, well maybe, someday, it'll all be ok.

9:30 PM - not a full thought

I read a book this week called "dumb things smart christians believe"... I'm not going to explain all my thoughts on the subject/book, but basically:

Life is futile and we do the best we can. Except that the "we" in this case is actually God. God gave me my gifts and my abilities. All of them. I was created this way, and I will die the way that I am. Even if I manage to change the things about me and the way I live my life, it still isn't me that changed, it's God helping me do it. So I shouldn't have pride in anything, ever.

It's something Flannery O'Connor covered in a few of her stories as well, so you'd think I'd be more accepting of it by now. But I'm not.

I have been frustrated for a very long time by the feeling that I have that I have been given great gifts, but at the same time, emotional/interpersonal issues that hold me back from using those gifts. It seems like a waste. But instead of accepting that, instead I now feel as though not only am I such a screw-up that I can't use the gifts I have, but now I can't even feel any pride in the things I manage to do right.

So I changed my profile song to express the futility I feel. UPDATE: Song got pulled so I put a different one up. Oh well. The previous song was "in the waiting line".

9:46 AM - Food!

I saw this article: http://health.msn.com/dietfitness/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100159738&page=1  about women who are naturally thin and their eating habits and thought I'd see how I matched up. I already know the way I eat is different, based on a physiological psychology class I took in college. We read the chapter on eating and hunger, and although I had all of the physical cues for eating, I follow none of the psychological cues (specific dinner time, eating when other people do/in groups, finishing my plate).

So here's the list they provide, and how I match up:

1. They Choose Satisfied Over Stuffed
This is very true. Except for special occasions (Thanksgiving, Christmas) where food is the centerpiece of the day, I really just eat until I'm full. But not usually to the point where my stomach is bursting.

2. They Realize Hunger Isn't An Emergency
Somewhat true. I have forgotten to eat before. But if I go too long without snacking on something, I start to feel tired. So I try to snack a little bit all the time.

3. They Don't Use Food To Cure The Blues
Chocolate is nice, but sleep is better. If I have a bad mood, usually sleeping it off works. And when I get upset I actually eat less, because I'm just too upset to eat.

4. They Eat More Fruit
HAHAHAHAHAHA!! No. But I've been trying to change that.

5. They're Creatures Of Habit
Absolutely. Breakfast bar for breakfast, then a bag of popcorn when I get hungry, then a healthy choice tv dinner for lunch when I get hungry again after that. Dinner is the only thing that varies.

6. They Have A Self-Control Gene
No, I'm pretty impulsive.

7. They're Movers And Shakers
Not really. I don't do regular exercise, though I should start. I do always take the stairs though. Leftover habit from when my mom was scared of elevators (a fear that has actually been cured, btw. I'm very proud of her).

8. They Sleep�Well
Absolutely. Love sleep. Feeling well-rested is the best feeling in the world. 8 hours a night most nights.

They completely left out genetics/body type/metabolism, which is too bad. I'm sure, based on my family, that the thinness preceded the eating habits. But hey, I'm not going to argue with msn.

5:15 PM - so, hmm, yeah.

I'm not so bummed anymore. I've been doing spring cleaning, which is good for me, and I planted some green beans in the backyard. I am occasionally disturbed by the fact that I spend untold amounts of dollars on digital cable with many, many channels, and yet Star Trek is never on, but I'll get over it.

I've been on a 'go to movies for free kick' lately, which I enjoy very much. Jose and I saw 'The Last Mimzy" at a sneak preview a few weeks ago, and I really liked it. I even bought the short story anthology. Then this weekend, my company (not the one I work at, but the one I work for) had a company shindig and gave out free stuff, including a gift card to AMC, so Jose and I went to see TMNT. I am very glad I saw that movie for free, because if I had paid for it, I may have been upset, but since it was free I found it to be enjoyable enough. Then tonight, me and some peeps are going to see "The Namesake" for free at the Arbor. I expect to like it, I hope I don't get let down.

I've been reading too, which is funny, cause I hadn't in awhile. I got "High Fidelity" out of the library... yes, it was a book first. They stayed true to the book except for one part that has been slowly gnawing on me since I read it. So here's a very long tangent thought for you.

One of the most famous quotes from the movie is "What really matters is what you like, not what you're like." And although it seems like it's sort of put aside at the end, it's never really refuted, leading you to believe that the main character still feels that way.

I mean, most people do hang out with people with similar interests, right? When I found Jose, I'd dug through quite a few myspace profiles. I had done my big weeding based on the big stuff... I"ll be honest here, religion, education and age all came into play. But when I was looking through the ones I'd narrowed it down to, his was the most interesting to me, because he seemed geeky. I like geeky. I am geeky.

But it's been 15 months, and although I love him very much, it's clear there are areas where our likes/dislikes don't match up at all. He loves horror movies/zombie films, and I can't stand them. I'm a music snob, he listens to the radio. He likes Looney Tunes, I don't. I like Thai food, he doesn't. I'm not going to lie here either... sometimes it's frustrating for us.

So back to High Fidelity the book... in it there's an added chapter at the end about how Laura brings Rob to see some of her friends who he had previously gotten off on the wrong foot with. He's surprised to find that they're really great people and he enjoys being around them. Then Laura has him go look at their record collection, which is of course astonishingly bad. Rob actually in the book refutes his earlier statement about what you're like vs. what you like. He realizes that grownups can't base their relationships solely on interests, which of course comes into play since Laura has changed during their relationship, etc, etc. You all know the ending

So, what you're like vs. what you like? What you're like, every time. Liking the same things as someone else is a great way to meet a friend, but that's not what human relationships are really based on. I'm just glad I got to read the book and get the better ending (much like the real version of Clockwork Orange, but that's a rant for another time.)

6:24 PM - I'm bummed.

I'm bummed.

My parents left, and I feel like I barely saw them.

A bunch of superheroes got called to go to LA for a final audition, and I wasn't one of them.

SU didn't even make it into the NCAA tournament.

I haven't been able to find a ticket to see the toadies for $45 or less.

This weekend has just been a huge bummer.

10:58 AM - WWTBASH update

So, as you guys know, about a month ago, I auditioned for 'Who wants to be a superhero' in San Antonio. Here's a bit of an update. 

Last weekend, a friend/coworker of Jose's, who auditioned with me, helped me make a home audition tape to send in as well, because I wasn't sure if my audition in S.A. went well enough. That guy is awesome, btw.

I hadn't edited it yet to send in when on Wednesday I got a phone call from a casting assistant for WWTBASH. They sent me a secondary application to fill out, indicating that I had made a first cut of sorts. I filled it out quick and sent it in.

Friday night I got another email, with a supplemental application, and the message "Congratulations, you're now on an even shorter list." I filled that even longer application out, and emailed it in quick.

Saturday afternoon I got another phone call from WWTBASH. I was asked if I had a home video audition, because they wanted to see me as much of me as possible. They let me know that my character was being pitched to the network on Monday. That's today, folks.

Jose's friend/coworker has an awesome roommate as well, who edited my video for me, since I'm not an A/V person and don't have the software installed to do it. I emailed the link to the compressed version to WWTBASH last night, and am mailing the DVD today.

I have no idea if I'll make the show or not, but I'd be ok even if I don't. Just to know that they really liked my idea enough to take an extra look at it makes me very, very happy. This is the first comic book character I've ever created, and it's just so awesome that they like it so far.

Right now though, I'm just sitting here being nervous. I almost wish I didn't know what was going in some meeting room in LA. Ignorance is bliss, right?

8:27 AM - who wants to be a superhero?

I do! I do!

So I'm auditioning this weekend for Who wants to be a superhero, season 2. They're making a stop in San Antonio, and I found out a couple of weeks ago. My costume is almost done and I've started the 7 page application. It's a lot, a lot of work. But since I've got plenty of practice from pageants in planning outfits, being interviewed on stage and filling out ridiculously long applications, it's something I'm actually fairly used to. Except this time I'm trying to appear heroic, not... well, pretty.  

After the audtions I hope to have pictures, and I'll share a quick bit about my superheroine and her backstory. Well, maybe. I don't blog much anymore. :)